An Important Message from Gov. Bobby Jindal

Satire by  Shawn Goodwin

Good afternoon, everyone. My name is Bobby Jindal and I am proud to be serving as the governor of the great state of Louisiana, although that may seem like an odd statement considering my state’s recent troubles. Take New Orleans, for example. The town is so crime-infested that gangster rappers roll up their windows when they cross the city limits. It’s so bad that during Mardi Gras, drunken revelers don’t throw beads off balconies anymore. They throw handguns!

The debacle that was Hurricane Katrina did not win us many Facebook friends, either. You would think that after given ample warning that the storm of the century was bearing down upon us, the local and state government wouldn’t spend their time accessorizing their rain ensembles. Here’s a fashion tip for ya, Sen. Landrieu: Nothing goes with a purple raincoat!

And yes, we have apologized for Britney Spears time and again. If we had known that she would turn into a ranting, raving loon, we would have revoked her Louisiana privileges. Considering nonsense such as this, you can see why we are fighting to restore our state’s good name. It is an uphill battle.

Since I have taken office, I have done my very best to transform my state into America’s Showplace. Just as things were starting to turn around, however, fate kicked us in the groin. Two weeks ago, an explosion rocked the Deepwater Horizon; an offshore oil rig located about 40 miles off our southern coast. More than two dozen workers were either killed or injured, and millions of gallons of oil have leaked into the Gulf of Mexico. What’s worse is that the federal government took its sweet time responding to the disaster. Again.

The Obama administration’s response was slower than a crawdad in a snowstorm. There is simply no justification for a week-long delay, and many news outlets agreed. In fact, the outrage against the administration has grown so large that the New York Times posted a scathing editorial. That’s right, The New York Times!

“There are many avenues to pursue. Here are two: the oil company’s response, and [the administration’s]. The company, BP, seems to have been slow to ask for help, and, on Friday, both federal and state officials accused it of not moving aggressively or swiftly enough. Yet the administration should not have waited, and should have intervened much more quickly on its own initiative.

A White House as politically attuned as this one should have been conscious of two obvious historical lessons. One was the Exxon Valdez, where a late and lame response by both industry and the federal government all but destroyed one of the country’s richest fishing grounds and ended up costing billions of dollars. The other was President George W. Bush’s hapless response to Hurricane Katrina.

Now we have another disaster in more or less the same neck of the woods, and it takes the administration more than a week to really get moving.”

Wow, I haven’t seen anger like that since McDonald’s discontinued the McRib sandwich! Sadly, the anger is not misplaced. The administration did drag their feet when time was of the essence, and when they were finally called on it, they claimed their assets were in place from day one. That is just not an accurate statement. Allow me to explain.

It took the White House two days to release a statement on the explosion and subsequent leak. It took exactly seven days for White House advisors to discuss the oil spill. On the eighth day, Adm. Thad Allen was tapped to coordinate the response. On the ninth day, the president finally visited the disaster area. Now, while he did treat me to a cool ride on Marine One, he ruined the experience by telling me how A Nightmare on Elm Street ended. Thanks a lot, Mr. President!

Similarly, the administration stated that British Petroleum (BP) was to blame for the spill and they should be the ones who have to clean it up. Imagine if the federal government applied that theory to every disaster. President Bush could have decreed that Mother Nature was responsible for Hurricane Katrina, and she would be tasked with the cleanup of New Orleans. The feds could simply ask that the residents be patient, because sooner or later, the waves will wash the devastation out to sea!

Look, seeing this administration lose the editorial staff at the New York Times is like having nerds criticize a Star Wars film. It just doesn’t happen. I would be lying if I said I didn’t giggle when I read it, though. The fact that the newspaper was so outspoken on this issue should tell you something. Simply stated, the administration dropped the ball on this one, and instead of egg, they have globs of oil on their faces.

FamilySecurityMatters.org’s official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly.

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Tagged: British Petroleum (BP), FSM (Shawn Goodwin), Gulf Oil Spill, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, Oil Rig Disaster, Political Comment, Political Humor, Political Satire, Tony

Posted in: 111th Congress, America (USA), Blundering Bureaucrats, Conniving-Lying-Sneaky Politicians, Democrats, Disaster, Humor, Leftists (In the USA aka as Liberals-Progressives), Political Prostitutes, Politics, Power Hungry, Propaganda, Public Opinion, Satire, Spine Donor Politicians