Browsing All posts tagged under »FSM (Shawn Goodwin)«

Jersey City Pizza Is Da Bomb!

May 23, 2010 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin Remember when swampland, landfills, and mob activity were the biggest problems facing North Jersey? Those days are gone forever. Jersey City, New Jersey is not what most people would consider a hotbed of terrorism, but that is exactly what it faced on Monday, when some Garden State vegetable planted a bomb […]

Chopping Down the Keebler Tree

May 16, 2010 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin Over the last four decades, First Ladies of the United States began to realize that their position was more boring than an episode of The View. As such, they desperately searched for something to do; something to give meaning to their otherwise monotonous duties of smiling, waving, and holding back a […]

An Important Message from Gov. Bobby Jindal

May 9, 2010 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin Good afternoon, everyone. My name is Bobby Jindal and I am proud to be serving as the governor of the great state of Louisiana, although that may seem like an odd statement considering my state’s recent troubles. Take New Orleans, for example. The town is so crime-infested that gangster rappers roll […]

The Truth Is Out There – Way Out There

May 2, 2010 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin Since the beginning of time, man has wondered if there is life beyond our big blue marble. Are there little green men watching our civilization from afar, and if so, would they ever pay us a visit? One thing is for sure; if aliens decide to reveal themselves, it might not […]

Iranian Women Are Quaking In Their Go-Go Boots

April 26, 2010 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin The Islamic Republic of Iran has never been a refuge for proponents of human rights. Similarly, its government has a pesky habit of treating women like chattel; personal property to be manipulated and/or abused as one sees fit. In today’s political climate, a woman is safer walking the darkened streets of […]

School’s Out For Friday!

April 18, 2010 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin Kids, are you tired of the brutally-long and overly-boring five day school week? Parents, would you like your little crumb crunchers to enjoy a three-day weekend for nine months of the year? Teachers, are you in dire need of some quality margarita time not afforded you on those loathsome Friday afternoons? […]

Come Mr. Taliban, Tally Me Kandahar

April 11, 2010 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin Being President of Afghanistan is a difficult, thankless job. The country is an eclectic mix of sand and mountains, uh, and more sand and more mountains. There are no fabulous tourist traps, no glamorous casinos, and no Wayne Newton. What’s worse is that the country has been beset by war for […]

We’re Off To See The Blizzard, The Wonderful Blizzard Of Osthofen

April 4, 2010 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin Much has been discussed and debated recently about the so-called global warming phenomenon. The world’s greatest minds (and Al Gore) have claimed that “the science is settled,” but when stories of fraud and doctored evidence surfaced, more people questioned that hypothesis every day. Climatologists did not help their cause when they […]

An Apple A Day Keeps The Liberals Away

March 28, 2010 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin (Cue public service announcement.) Are you trapped in a lousy, dead end job? Do you call 911 for a nosebleed, or go to the emergency room for a hangnail? Are you a card-carrying member of the Entitlement Generation? If you answered, “Yes!” to any one of these questions, then government health […]

Weekend At Bennie’s

March 21, 2010 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced a plan to build settlements in East Jerusalem this week, setting off a firestorm of criticism and scorn from Israel’s enemies. Interestingly, the most severe criticism came from the United States and members of the Obama administration. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton “sharply criticized” the […]

I Love, Er, Loathe New York

March 14, 2010 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin In the good old days when somebody mentioned the phrase, “political corruption,” most Americans thought of Washington, D.C., Chicago, Illinois, or New Orleans, Louisiana. They were the trendsetters, the areas that set the bar so low not even the most flexible Jamaican could limbo under it. Then, just when you think […]

The Thrill Of Victory And The Agony Of Dmitry

March 7, 2010 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin Greetings! My name is Dmitry Medvedev, and I am the president of the Russian Federation. Recently, the elite athletes of my country competed in the Vancouver Olympic Games and their performances were – how you say? – less than exemplary. In fact, many of these men and women looked as about […]

Suffer The Children

February 28, 2010 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin Have you ever noticed that whenever the government or some consumer advocate tries to impose its will upon us, someone always says, “It’s for the children?” No matter what the cause, there is always a person telling us to think about the children. The legislation could involve appropriations for nursing home […]

Big Sister Is Watching You

February 21, 2010 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin The Winter Olympics are in full swing, and as with any major sporting event, the threat of terrorism looms large. Teenaged anarchists, environmentalist whackos, and People for the Ethical Treatment of Bobsleds have descended upon Vancouver with the intent to disrupt the Games by any means necessary. In response, the Vancouver […]

Sealed With A Kick

February 14, 2010 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin “My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.” – William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet Today is Valentine’s Day. For some people across the globe, it is a time to bask in reciprocated – […]

Toy Story 3: Adventures In Red China

February 7, 2010 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin In the past few decades, the United States has enjoyed friendly trade relations with China. These relations have more or less normalized in recent years, and American financial investment in the country is well over $40 billion. In fact, China and Japan account for almost 10 percent of all American trade. […]

The Unbearable Light-ness Of Being A Spammer

January 31, 2010 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin This week, media outlets, bloggers, and bitter, gun-clinging religious fanatics have been preoccupied with the story of “Ellie Light,” a woman who spends all of her free time writing and distributing letters of support for President Barack Obama. Light has been sending the same letter to every newspaper, gas station, residence, […]

Terminal Velocity

January 24, 2010 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin After the September 11th terrorist attacks, the American transportation system activated a multitude of new security measures to ensure that similar attacks would never happen again. For the most part, these new implementations have been successful, since there has not been a successful airline attack in nine years. Of course, there […]

Iran: Blinding The World With Science

January 17, 2010 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin It has been a difficult six months for the Islamic Republic of Iran. Last June’s presidential elections were about as fair as an American Idol vote, and equally as puzzling. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the country’s version of William Hung, won in a landslide victory, even though most polls predicted the challenger would […]

Lies And The Lying Liars Who Are Rewarded For Them

January 10, 2010 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin Prostitution is sometimes coined “the world’s oldest profession,” but the world’s oldest deceptive act is most surely the lie. The Bible teaches that the first lie was spoken during the time of Adam and Eve. Satan told the pair that if they ate the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge […]

2010: A Space Oddity

January 2, 2010 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin Well, a new year is upon us, and that usually means big changes are coming for a lot of Americans.  Thankfully, these changes are not of the “HopeyChange tax you back to the Stone Age” variety, but changes along the lines of self-improvement. New Year’s resolutions are all the rage now, […]

Making A List And Checking It Twice

December 26, 2009 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin It’s Christmastime again, and people across the world are celebrating the holiday in their traditional way. Members of the Jewish faith are celebrating Hanukkah, African-Americans are celebrating Kwanzaa, and Roman Catholics are celebrating “the holidays,” because in America, Christmas is a dirty nine-letter word. For some reason we can call a […]

Dingy Harry Mis-Reids The Situation

December 13, 2009 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin In the heady days of the Second Continental Congress, the country’s elected representatives debated the future of the United States with civility. Sure there were heated moments, and even an argument or two – legend has it that John Adams once poked Thomas Jefferson in the eye with his tri-cornered hat […]

It’s State Dinner Season!

December 6, 2009 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin The popular film Wedding Crashers glamorizes the lives of two ne’er do wells who spend their summer showing up to weddings uninvited. The stars research the event, use fake names, and pretend to be distant relatives of the celebrants in order to cash in on free food, free booze, and free […]