Pennsylvania: Check Your Political Sanity At The Border

Pennsylvania: Check Your Political Sanity at the Border

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

It has been an interesting week in Pennsylvania politics. First, Republican Senator Arlen Specter spent our hard-earned dollars investigating the accusation that the New England Patriots have been videotaping football games. Apparently, head coach Bill Belichick did not get express written permission from the NFL and/or the major networks when they did so. The punishment for a first infraction is a football to the groin. Who knew anyone enforced that rule? The 37-term senator told reporters, “We have a right to have honest football games.”

If only we had the right to honest octogenarian senators.

Then, Pennsylvania’s Democrat Governor Ed Rendell announced that his conservative electorate is comprised of backwoods racists and bigots who would rather make a love connection with Ruth Bader Ginsburg than vote for Barack Obama. Rendell, who is Jewish, must have been paying more attention to his fourth trip to the buffet table instead of the election results when Pennsylvania citizens elected him, a New York carpetbagger, to office four times. Rendell, a graduate of Foot-In-Mouth University (Go Fighting Toe Jams!), said this to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette:

“You’ve got conservative whites here, and I think there are some whites who are probably not ready to vote for an African-American candidate.”

Lovely. If white conservatives wanted to be told how to think, they would have voted for the IntelliBot 3000 Governing System. General Dynamics ran it against Rendell in 2006, and it was leading in the polls – until someone leaked photos of the 3000 cavorting with a sleek new Xerox machine.

You may not want to believe it, but there have been many other dubious intrusions by the Keystone State’s public officials that are only now seeing the light of day. For instance:

United States Senator Robert Casey Jr., a Democrat, spent a quarter of a billion dollars researching the exact amount of Tic Tacs that are distributed to every package. When Casey read that the serving size for one package was “approximately 37 mints,” he drafted legislation to ensure that every package receives exactly 37. The poorly titled Ricki Ticki Tacki Bill was soundly defeated in the congress, and pranksters on The Hill have been jamming the delicious mints into Casey’s door locks.

United States Representative Jim Gerlach, a Republican, is trying to capitalize on the proposed professional soccer stadium in crime-infested Chester, PA. Gerlach has been spending most of his time away from the Beltway while he oversees the Gerlach Tear Gas Plant, which will be built next to the soccer field. Said Gerlach, “What is a soccer game without a nice riot? And what is a nice riot without tear gas? It’s win-win.”

Philadelphia Mayor Michael “Squidward” Nutter has his work cut out for him. Governing a city that has seen over 3,000 homicides since the late 1980s, Nutter needs a fast-acting, far-reaching crime plan. Unfortunately for the Philly taxpayers, Nutter’s plan to outfit every citizen with Kevlar bubble wrap is not the answer. First, bubble wrap prices have skyrocketed since the Johnstown Plastics Flood on 2004. Second, everyone will want to pop the stuff – which sounds exactly like gunfire – causing everyone else to break out his or her guns. Next thing you know, there’s panic in the streets. It’s Thunderdome!

United States Representative Allyson Schwartz, a Democrat, has proposed some interesting legislation regarding Major League Baseball’s steroid scandal. Always thinking outside the box, Schwartz has demanded that peanut vendors be tested for steroids and HGH. Schwartz explained her position during a recent press conference:

“Steroid abuse is a pox on America’s Pastime, and we need to stop it where it breeds. However, we need further vigilance to keep our families safe. That is why I am proposing this Peanut Vendor Testing Bill. Have you seen how fast some of these folks can throw a bag of peanuts? It is unnatural! Sooner or later, someone is going to lose an eye. We need to do something before it is too late.”

These political transgressions are merely the tip of the iceberg. Pennsylvania voters need to stay informed, and keep better tabs on their elected officials. Otherwise, everyone from the lofty U.S. Senator to the lowly block captain will be introducing bills chock full of pork, kickback, and shenanigans.

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FamilySecurityMatters.org’s official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly.
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Tagged: Governor Ed Rendell, Pennsylvania, Political Sanity, Shawn Goodwin.

Tagged: US Senator Arlen Specter (RINO-PA)

Posted in: 2008 Elections, Democrats, News, Pennsylvania, Political Prostitutes, RINO (Republican In Name Only), Satire, US Senator Bob Casey (D-PA)