Could Climate Change Create Deadly, Mutant Sharks Which Kill Us All?

Posted on Sat 01/07/2012 by


By James Delingpole


It had to happen. As if the plight of the polar bear wasn’t punishment enough for our evil, selfish, refusing-to-change-our-lifestyle-because-we’re-addicted-to-oil ways, it now seems that Mother Gaia may have a deadly new weapon up her sleeve: KILLER MUTANT SHARKS!!! (H/T Brown Bess)

So far, admittedly, Mother Gaia is in the very earliest stages of her experimentation:

Scientists said on Tuesday that they had discovered the world’s first hybrid sharks in Australian waters, a potential sign the predators were adapting to cope with climate change.

The mating of the local Australian black-tip shark with its global counterpart, the common black-tip, was an unprecedented discovery with implications for the entire shark world, said lead researcher Jess Morgan.

“It’s very surprising because no one’s ever seen shark hybrids before, this is not a common occurrence by any stretch of the imagination,” Morgan, from the University of Queensland, told AFP.

“This is evolution in action.”

But those of us who have seen Deep Blue Sea (not the feeble Terence Rattigan rip off, obviously; the proper version, about the mutant killer sharks bred in an undersea laboratory who escape and hunt down the scientists one by one) will know that this is just the beginning.

In fact I wouldn’t be at all surprised if “scientists” at the University of East Anglia’s Climatic Research Unit (and similar august institutions) haven’t already prepared computer projects of what could so easily happen next.

End of 2012: Mako sharks breed with great whites. Result: Great White Hybrid that can swim so fast it can even get you if you’re on a jet ski.

End of 2013: Great White Hybrid breeds with Tiger shark. Result: More aggressive Great White which doesn’t eat humans accidentally because it’s mistaken them for seals any more but does so for pure pleasure.

End of 2014: Great White Tiger Hybrid breeds with Bull shark. Result: Testosteronal, uber-thug Great White Tiger which will eat you in fresh water as well as in the sea, or if you’re in a small boat which he’ll happily sink, he’s that hungry and voracious.

End of 2015: Great White Tiger Bull Hybrid breeds with Saltwater Crocodile. Result: Entire population of Queensland eaten – but not instantly. First they’re pulled under the water and stored under a ledge of rock. Then they’re eaten.

End of 2016: Great White Tiger Bull Salty Hybrid breeds with earth’s deadliest land-predator the Polar Bear. Result: Bye bye Norway and Canada (whose destruction Green groups welcome because of its outrageous attempts at Durban last year to pull out of the Kyoto agreement).

End of 2017: Great White Tiger Bull Salty Polar Bear Hybrid breeds with Pigeon. Result: everyone in cities dies.

End of 2018: Great White Tiger Bull Salty Polar Bear Pigeon Hybrid breeds with ants. Result: everyone who hasn’t been got already now gets eaten because that’s the thing about ants, they’re everywhere.

Obviously these made up figures are just projections, but given the potentially catastrophic outcome for all mankind I think we can all agree they should not be taken lightly and should be used as the basis for an extensive research programme, a massive pay rise for Professor Phil Jones and a new world tour from the Prince of Wales and his entourage in their biofuel powered eco-jet, warning: “When I said the other day we had just 100 months to save the world, I was pretty much right. It’s now looking like 84 months, except its killer mutant sharks which will probably get us not global warming.”

James Delingpole is a British writer, journalist and broadcaster who is (he says) right about everything. He is the author of numerous fantastically entertaining books including Welcome to Obamaland: I’ve Seen Your Future and it Doesn’t Work. His website is and he also has a blog at the Daily Telegraph.

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