Democrat Sneaks Shopping List into Stimulus Bill

Posted on Wed 02/11/2009 by PA Pundits - International

The Endive
The News Leader of the Known Universe

Nancy Pelosi, D-CA raised ire among Republicans and talk radio hosts alike when it was discovered that she snuck her shopping list into the stimulus bill.

“We need to pass this bill immediately,” said Pelosi, “Not just because people are losing their jobs, not just because our country is headed to hell in a hand basket, but also because I’d like to get some light mayonnaise so I can make Chicken Marsala Monday night.”

Although it is not uncommon for riders to get tacked onto bills in congress, this is the first time in known history that someone has attempted to tack on their own shopping list.

“I hope the American people realize that if this thing passes, they have just bought Nancy Pelosi a box of Wheat Thins, creamed corn, yogurt with fruit on the bottom, Captain Crunch, and the latest edition of Star Magazine,” said Representative Eric Cantor, R-VA, “I think it also includes a $500 tip for the guy who shleps it all out to her car.”

Talk radio immediately ran with the issue. …

“We broke it right here first,” said Rush Limbaugh, “CNN picked it up from us, but we broke it first. Everybody please phone CNN and keep calling until they agree to give me a freaking shout out.”

“This socialist buying of groceries is absolutely ridiculous,” said Neal Boortz, “Now we’ve got out of control spending, socialized medicine, tons of pork, and a large box of 20 Mule Team Borax. There’s probably some kind of gun control rider in there that’ll prevent me from shooting myself.”

Pelosi was undaunted by accusations that she was abusing the stimulus bill.

“Go ahead, be immature,” said Pelosi, “Let everyone lose their jobs. Let the crazy rioting in the streets begin. Let the market crash. Let the out-of-control Shriner conventions continue. All because you bunch of morons don’t understand that spending is stimulus. I’m stimulating, therefore my spending is a stimulus. That’s what stimulus is, right? Spending! Let me see that bill. I meant to add on there that I need some Grape Fanta and Gold Bond Foot Power.”

The President backed Pelosi wholeheartedly.

“What do you think stimulus is, people?!” said President Obama, “It’s spending! Duh! We have to spend money and that’s what Nancy’s trying to do. Someone has to put that pack of Chicklets in a bag, right? Stimulus! Duh! Someone has to ship those Baked Potato-flavored Pringles, right? Stimulus! Duh!”

Added the President, “Duh! Derrrrr! Duuuuuh!!!!” The President punctuated his statement with some gestures meant to mimic a mentally retarded person.

Management at the Super Giant grocery store in Washington, D.C. was optimistic that Pelosi’s rider to the stimulus bill would affect them directly.

“Nancy came in here last week and bought some pretzels and a Snapple,” said store manager Bill Whitmire, “We’re hoping the stimulus bill will bring us what looks to be at least $72 in new business. We really need the money. I mean, we really need it. We’re a little desperate. We’ve been cutting things at my house, like heat. I, um, I ate one of my kids last week. It’s okay because we’re allowed to do that in desperate times, right? Right?! Shop Super Giant!”