Browsing All posts tagged under »The Endive«

Obama Tries to Return Shuttle to Walmart

March 10, 2011 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe Shortly after space shuttle Discovery made its final landing today, President Obama was seen trying to return the retired spacecraft to an Orlando Walmart. “I think the President might have been trying to cash in on our liberal return policy,” said Walmart manager Trent […]

WikiLeaks Supporters too Chicken to Attack The Endive

December 9, 2010 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe Supporters of WikiLeaks proved once again that when targeting enemies of the controversial site, they are way too spineless to attack The Endive. Allies of WikiLeaks have attacked Paypal, Twitter, Mastercard, FoxNews and others. “Sure, we aren’t FoxNews,” said a spokesman for The Endive, […]

North Korea Threatens to Declare War on Christmas

November 30, 2010 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe North Korea decried the provocative actions of Christmas today, indicating that they were prepared to declare war on the popular holiday. “The hanging of wreaths and garlands near our waters in unacceptable and will lead to dire consequences,” said Kim Jong-Il, “We are prepared […]

Hajj Bumped for World Quidditch Cup

November 16, 2010 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe Muslims have been forced to find a new location for the Hajj, an annual pilgrimage festival in Mecca, after it was announced today that the current location would host the World Quidditch Cup. “We were hoping for an epic location,” said Regional Quidditch Director […]

Pelosi Locks Self in Bathroom

November 12, 2010 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe Under mounting pressure from House Democrats to step aside, a flustered Nancy Pelosi locked herself in the House bathroom today with the Speaker of the House gavel and two quarts of Butter Pecan ice cream. In a rare show of bipartisanship, Democrats and Republicans […]

The Endive 2010 Election Guide

November 2, 2010 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe President Obama hopes that voters will back Democratic candidates on Tuesday so he can continue to push Americans into a deep enough state of poverty that they will actually want to take the few menial jobs he has created. Republicans, on the other hand, […]

Obesity Declared Officially Over

September 23, 2010 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe Americans are no longer obese as of January 20th, 2009 according to a report by a panel that determines whether or not Americans are obese. Our days of size 47 pants may be over, but most Americans aren’t in the streets cheering about it. […]

Rug Fail Embarrasses Oval Office

September 7, 2010 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe A planned makeover for the Oval Office went awry while President Obama was on vacation last week, as the President discovered too late that all five quotes embroidered into the perimeter of the new rug were wrongly attributed. A quote attributed to Rev. Martin […]

Gunman at Spike TV Can’t Get Noticed

September 3, 2010 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe A man known for protesting Spike TV’s reluctance to continue airing episodes of Baywatch and Star Trek the Next Generation stormed the network’s Nashville headquarters carrying a handgun on Wednesday, holding three people hostage. He was completely ignored. The man had what appeared to […]

Armed Muppets Retake Manhattan

September 1, 2010 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe The country is on high alert today after armed Muppets retook Manhattan by force, storming through the New York borough with heavy artillery and laser-like precision. “Kermit the Frog here,” said the paramilitary group’s leader in a prepared statement, “For too long we have […]

Bloomberg Shows Off Explosive Belt

August 28, 2010 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg addressed the public today while wearing a belt packed with explosives in order to “open the minds of New Yorkers to alternative fashions.” The belt, created by world-renowned fashion designer Ahmed Wahiri, combined the finest Corinthian leather with C-4 […]

Rangel Celebrates 80th Birthday in Empty Ballroom

August 14, 2010 by

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The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe Embattled lawmaker Charlie Rangel, caught up in an ethics investigation, sat alone in The Plaza Hotel ballroom Wednesday, picking woefully at a piece of cake and quietly singing “Happy Birthday to me.” Rangel reserved the ballroom with the expectation that all of his friends would […]

Gulf Hit by Massive Illegal Immigrant Spill

August 10, 2010 by

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The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe Just as Gulf residents began to see light at the end of the tunnel, another disaster hit the troubled body of water. Thousands of illegal immigrants poured into the Gulf through ruptures along the Gulf coast. “All the illegals who fled Arizona were just too […]

Muslim Group to Build Mosque in Bloomberg’s Ass

August 6, 2010 by

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The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe The Cordoba Initiative cleared a few more hurdles today in its quest to build an Islamic Center and Mosque inside the ass of New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Today, New York City’s Landmarks Preservation Commission denied landmark status to Bloomberg’s ass in a unanimous vote. […]

Cocooned, Fluidless Body of Mezvinsky Found in Honeymoon Suite

August 3, 2010 by

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The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe The body of Marc Mezvinsky, newlywed husband of Chelsea Clinton, was found wrapped in a giant cocoon and totally drained of fluids this morning by hotel cleaning staff in upstate New York. While Chelsea was unavailable for comment this morning, Hilary Clinton addressed the media, […]

Topeka Obliterated In Toyota-Pinto Accident

March 4, 2010 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe The city of Topeka, Kansas was obliterated Wednesday following a dramatic accident involving a Toyota and a Ford Pinto. “It was horrifying,” said eyewitness and survivor Sharon Horne, “A white Camry suddenly sped up and rear-ended a green Pinto, sending it crashing into the […]

Toyota Recalls 400,000 Hondas

February 11, 2010 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe Toyota faced another massive setback today as the beleaguered carmaker recalled 400,000 Hondas for faulty airbags. “We are very sorry,” said Akio Toyoda, President of Toyota Motor Corporation, “We are so, so sorry. We should have been more careful about the quality of Honda’s […]

Infidel Turtles Successfully Launched Into Space

February 4, 2010 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad touted the successful removal of several infidel animals from Iran today thanks to the country’s first successful rocket launch. “As of 9:30 this morning, two turtles, a mouse, and some worms were launched into space,” said Ahmadinejad, “We are pleased […]

Googleless China Makes Urgent Plea For Searching Help

January 15, 2010 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe The Chinese government made a desperate plea for help after Google ceased operations in the country, leaving them unable to find a damn thing. Streets were crowded with people who had no clue how to reach their destinations, families lost contact with each other, […]

President Romney: 2009 Just A Bad Dream

January 5, 2010 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe Americans woke up to the reassuring voice of President Mitt Romney Friday morning, suddenly realizing that 2009 had just been one long, bad dream. “I know a lot of you had the same dream I had,” said Romney, “Barack Obama was elected President and […]

Senator Ben Nelson Takes Last Éclair

December 22, 2009 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson earned the ire of many of his senate colleagues today when he snatched the last éclair from the buffet at the Senate chamber this morning after having already consumed three éclairs and a donut hole. “Ben Nelson has essentially flipped […]

Copenhagen Squashed By Giant Carbon Footprint

December 9, 2009 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe The entire city of Copenhagen was laid waste today by a giant carbon foot. The creature, described as some sort of “fire breathing reptile made entirely of carbon,” squashed the center of Copenhagen with its gigantic foot while laying waste to nearby suburbs with […]

Obama: Berlin Wall Was Ancient Druid Calendar

November 10, 2009 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe In a speech to Germans today, President Barack Obama expressed his theory that the mysterious Berlin Wall was actually a calendar used by the ancient druids. “I think it’s obvious, by that, I mean, plain and simple,” said Obama, “By the way those big […]

Police Question “Person Of Interest” In Disappearance Of Kilimanjaro Glaciers

November 3, 2009 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe Environmentalists were alarmed to find the glaciers of Kilimanjaro disappearing this week. While the blame was first cast at global warming, Tanzanian police have a different theory. “We believe this to be the work of the evil Snordly Necklash,” said Tanzanian Police Chief Alfred […]