Browsing All posts tagged under »The Endive«

Obama Tries to Return Shuttle to Walmart

March 10, 2011 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe Shortly after space shuttle Discovery made its final landing today, President Obama was seen trying to return the retired spacecraft to an Orlando Walmart. “I think the President might have been trying to cash in on our liberal return policy,” said Walmart manager Trent […]

WikiLeaks Supporters too Chicken to Attack The Endive

December 9, 2010 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe Supporters of WikiLeaks proved once again that when targeting enemies of the controversial site, they are way too spineless to attack The Endive. Allies of WikiLeaks have attacked Paypal, Twitter, Mastercard, FoxNews and others. “Sure, we aren’t FoxNews,” said a spokesman for The Endive, […]

North Korea Threatens to Declare War on Christmas

November 30, 2010 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe North Korea decried the provocative actions of Christmas today, indicating that they were prepared to declare war on the popular holiday. “The hanging of wreaths and garlands near our waters in unacceptable and will lead to dire consequences,” said Kim Jong-Il, “We are prepared […]

Hajj Bumped for World Quidditch Cup

November 16, 2010 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe Muslims have been forced to find a new location for the Hajj, an annual pilgrimage festival in Mecca, after it was announced today that the current location would host the World Quidditch Cup. “We were hoping for an epic location,” said Regional Quidditch Director […]

Pelosi Locks Self in Bathroom

November 12, 2010 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe Under mounting pressure from House Democrats to step aside, a flustered Nancy Pelosi locked herself in the House bathroom today with the Speaker of the House gavel and two quarts of Butter Pecan ice cream. In a rare show of bipartisanship, Democrats and Republicans […]

The Endive 2010 Election Guide

November 2, 2010 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe President Obama hopes that voters will back Democratic candidates on Tuesday so he can continue to push Americans into a deep enough state of poverty that they will actually want to take the few menial jobs he has created. Republicans, on the other hand, […]

Obesity Declared Officially Over

September 23, 2010 by

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From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe Americans are no longer obese as of January 20th, 2009 according to a report by a panel that determines whether or not Americans are obese. Our days of size 47 pants may be over, but most Americans aren’t in the streets cheering about it. […]