Posted on Wed 09/19/2018 by


By Burt Prelutsky ~  

I suspect that on the day I was born, some damn witch who was passing through Chicago placed a curse on me. She cursed me with the curiosity gene. As a result, whenever someone tells me an anecdote, I always ask something along the lines of “And then what happened?” or “What did he say when you said that?”

Sometimes, I get blank stares or am asked “What do you mean?” Apparently, other people seem to think that stories end long before I do.

The other day, I decided to send an email to Mollie Hemingway. I’ve never met the woman, but I have come to regard her as the brightest person appearing on Fox. She doesn’t have her own show, but she raises the collective IQ of every panel she appears on. She is an editor and writer at the Federalist, and is a conservative, but, unlike some, she acknowledges it when President Trump sticks his size 12 in his mouth. But, unlike too many, she doesn’t confuse his words (sometimes clumsy) with his actions and policies, which are nearly always in the best interest of America.

“Dear Mrs. Hemingway,” I wrote, “the question I’ve never heard asked of any of the scoundrels in the Deep State is “Why?” Why were they so in dread of a Trump presidency that they were willing to betray their principles and their oaths by trying to game the system on behalf of Mrs. Clinton? What made them want to elect someone who had the Benghazi massacre; an illegal, easily-hacked, server; and the criminal enterprise known as the Clinton Foundation on her resumé?

“And why, even after she was defeated, did they continue trying to drive Trump from office, even though they had to understand that they were now facing disclosure that could result in the loss of their reputations, their careers, their pensions and even their freedom?

“Furthermore, even if they had succeeded in removing Trump, he would have been succeeded by Mike Pence, not Hillary Clinton. “Finally, why on earth did they find Trump a greater threat to the republic than Barack Obama, who never even had a good word to say about this nation?”

Something else that has troubled me is why we all allowed Tim Russert, a minor media figure, to change the colors associated with the two major parties. It all happened during a single election when Russert referred to liberal states as blue and conservative states as red, undoing in a single election night 80 years of history.

The Soviet Union had a red banner for a flag. We referred to Mao’s slave state as Red China. We called American traitors during the Cold War “reds” and “pinkos.”

Because it was so irrational, I tried to figure out why Russert pulled the switcheroo. Either it was a practical joke he bet his colleagues he could pull off or he had an older sister who was as evil as my ex-wife. When she was seven or eight years old, she took it upon herself to teach her kid brother the names of the colors. But because she was, as I mentioned, evil, she taught him the colors wrong. So, even though he had perfect eyesight, it took him a long time to discover that what he thought was brown was what we all call blue, and what he thought was black was actually yellow.

Frankly, I was always surprised that a woman with such macabre instincts didn’t go to work for the federal government.

A high school grad from Princeton, New Jersey, was accepted at Stanford when he answered the question on his college application that asked “What matters to you, and why” by writing “Black Lives Matter” one hundred times.

Frankly, I suspect that since his name is Ziad Ahmed, he could have saved himself the trouble. But when applying to an allegedly elite university these days, you don’t want to take any chances.

It gives you some idea how moronic the pygmy-brained louts are who are serving as the gatekeepers at our colleges and universities. Just let them know that you’re onboard for group-think and politically correct clichés and they’ll be only too happy to let you blow $50,000-a-year on tuition.

I have long been puzzled by the continuing call for abortions. In a hedonistic age, it’s obviously too much to ask people to abstain from sexual activity. But the liberals have spent decades pushing for Sex Education classes for the very young, even in schools that no longer offer Art and Music, let alone Civics and American History.

So, how is it that in spite of all that graphic education and all the readily-available pills and devices, a million babies a year are still having their lives snuffed out before they officially begin? What’s more, 2.3 million cases of sexually transmitted diseases, including syphilis, AIDs, chlamydia and gonorrhea, were diagnosed in 2017.

It’s obvious that a lot of kids are not staying awake during those sex education classes.

As you may have heard, there are a number of prominent Catholics who are calling for the Pope to resign, insisting there is proof that he knew about the latest pedophile scandal in Pennsylvania long before the grand jury let the rest of us know about it.

As a non-Catholic, I would applaud his removal on the grounds that the religious leader of a billion people shouldn’t be a South American Socialist. The Church can do better. As bad as the scandal is, and it already adds up to 300 priests and over a thousand innocent victims, it should be noted that it is so far limited to a single state. The Church has branch offices in 49 other states. Or, if you believe Barack Obama, 56 other states.

People will sometimes ask me how important the director of a movie is, and the best I can do is say it all depends.

These days, I’m not really aware of directors because I avoid sequels and movies based on comic books, and, so, I rarely see the new ones.

In the golden age of movies, the strength of some directors was that they recognized good scripts and knew how to cast them.

Others had a talent for directing films of a certain genre, be it action, comedy or suspense.

My personal favorites were Billy Wilder, Preston Sturges, Frank Capra, Howard Hawks and, until he turned his attention to churning out boring three-hour snoozearamas, George Stevens.

What they all had in common was the ability to get the best possible performances out of their actors, even those not generally regarded among Hollywood’s top echelon, people like Eddie Bracken, John Lund, Diana Lynn, William Demarest, Ella Raines, Rudy Vallee, Freddie Steele and Veronica Lake.

Bert Black of Silver Spring, Maryland, claims that when a local sheriff was looking for a deputy, Goober decided to try out for the job.

The interview started out with Sheriff Johnson asking Goober: “What is one and one?”

“Eleven,” he replied.

The sheriff realized that wasn’t the answer he was looking for, but it wasn’t exactly wrong.

“Okay, name two days of the week that begin with the letter T.”

“Today and tomorrow.”

Sheriff Johnson was taken aback a second time. It wasn’t the answer he had in mind, but Goober was right.

“Now, Goober, listen carefully: Who killed Abe Lincoln?”

Goober concentrated as hard as he could, but finally admitted he didn’t know the answer.

“Well,” the sheriff said, standing up and shaking Goober’s hand, “why don’t you go home and work on that one a while?”

When, a few minutes later, Goober wandered into the local barbershop, and his friends asked him how the job interview had gone, he said: “It went great. First day on the job and the sheriff already has me working on a murder case.”