‘Everyone Panic!’ WashPost Humorist Mocks ‘Ice Melt Of Doom’ Forecast

Posted on Mon 05/26/2014 by


Tim GrahamBy Tim Graham ~meltingice

Don’t look now, but Washington Post humorist Alexandra Petri used her Saturday column to mock climate-change gloom and doom. It was titled “Antarctica’s ice melt of doom: A primer.”

After describing the latest NASA report on the “unstoppable” ice melt in Antarctica, she even threw in creatures from H.P. Lovecraft horror stories in her Q&A satire:

What happened to the sheet ice sheet?Something horrible and irreversible.

Could you be a little more specific?

According to NASA, the melt of the Antarctic ice sheet “appears unstoppable.” UNSTOPPABLE!

What is our first concern?

Sea levels over the next century may rise even more than we have predicted, which could displace millions of people from coastal areas.

What is our second concern?

I fear we may unleash a Lovecraftian eldritch horror from beneath the ice or around the poles.

Such as?

We might awaken the Elder Gods or, at the very least, unleash a horde of shoggoths. (Is horde the correct term? Cats come in clowders, owls come in parliaments, crows socialize in murders – what do shoggoths group in?)

Have you actually read Lovecraft?

No, but I read on Wikipedia that this is where these things reside, and I got worried about it….

Here’s how she wrapped up:

Can this be reversed?

Here is what a scientist had to say: “No.”

Maybe the scientist was saying it in some other context. Scientists use lots of words throughout their lives that can be taken out of context, words like “no” and “yes” and “give me some of that ice before we run out” and “that cougar is truly fearsome” that sound more ominous than they actually are.

No, this was in context.

But it was a NASA scientist, and what have NASA scientists done for us in the decades since the moon landing?

Look, NASA scientists are the world’s leading experts in watching things shrink more than they expected over time. They have spent decades staring at their own budget.

Should we panic?

Yes! YES! EVERYONE PANIC! Everyone panic, but stay cool, to keep the melting from speeding up. Panic slowly and calmly.

How long do we have?

About 200 years. Hey, wait, where are you going?

Tim Graham contributes at NewsBusters. He is Director of  Media Analysis at the Media Research Center and is the author of the book “Pattern Of Deception: The Media’s Role In The Clinton Presidency”.

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