WikiLeaks Supporters too Chicken to Attack The Endive

Posted on Thu 12/09/2010 by

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From The Endive The News Leader of the Known Universe

Supporters of WikiLeaks proved once again that when targeting enemies of the controversial site, they are way too spineless to attack The Endive. Allies of WikiLeaks have attacked Paypal, Twitter, Mastercard, FoxNews and others.

“Sure, we aren’t FoxNews,” said a spokesman for The Endive, “But to my knowledge, we are the only web site to have called Julian Assange a ‘pus-spewing hemorrhoid on the acne-ridden ass of a 300-pound hooker.’ We also continue to assert that Assange has crabs. We’re not talking microscopic crabs, either. We’re talking Grand Cayman Island-sized fiddler crabs, crawling around in the unkempt jungle of his privies.”

WikiLeaks’ army of hackers has mainly been concerned with foiling attempts to silence Assange, but in their zealousness they have clearly overlooked The Endive’s unique ability to weave a tapestry of creative insults that rattle the very root of Assange’s being and have no doubt left him crying in the corner of a jail cell, wishing his mother had taken a break from turning tricks with circus performers long enough to give him just one hug.

“What intrigues us about Assange,” said The Endive spokesman, “Is that a man whose face resembles a douchebag that fell in vomit could be charismatic enough to try and hold the entire world hostage. Perhaps he had a moment of spontaneous inspiration during one of his frequent anal intercourse sessions with his beloved pet basenji, Skeezer.”

The Endive learned of Assange’s personal grooming habits in documents it obtained from WikiLeaks main offices through of of its own informants.

“Assange has been known to shove entire Twinkies into his mouth and then squeeze them until the filling comes out of his nose,” said The Endive spokesman, “Then he eats it. He also stole about $8,000 worth of tampons from a Shop Rite in Birmingham. He glued them all onto a jacket that he likes to wear into the bath tub.”

The Endive also launched a preemptive volley at WikiLeaks, to make sure that no previously secret documents are used against the News Leader of the Known Universe.

“We believe WikiLeaks may have infiltrated our headquarters and gotten their hands on some sensitive Endive documents,” said the spokesman, “Therefore, we’ll just come clean so they can’t try to blackmail us. It’s true. We lobbied to get Henry Kissinger onto Dancing with the Stars. We also mowed the grassy knoll shortly before JFK was assassinated and we encouraged Fox to renew ‘Cop Rock.’ If there’s one thing we’re most ashamed of, it’s pictures we acquired of Al Gore, practicing his Nobel Prize acceptance speech wearing nothing but a thong and a propeller beanie hat.”

As of this afternoon, The Endive continues to exist.

Read more Humorous Articles and Satire  at The Endive