North Korea Threatens to Declare War on Christmas

Posted on Tue 11/30/2010 by

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From The Endive The News Leader of the Known Universe

North Korea decried the provocative actions of Christmas today, indicating that they were prepared to declare war on the popular holiday.

“The hanging of wreaths and garlands near our waters in unacceptable and will lead to dire consequences,” said Kim Jong-Il, “We are prepared to take drastic measures if such provocations continue.”

The situation was exacerbated when the United States sent an aircraft carrier, the USS George Washington, to the area for routine drills, adorned with wreaths, bows and Christmas trees.

“We will obliterate any tinsel brought near our borders,” said Kim Jong-Il, “Furthermore, it really makes me uncomfortable when people say ‘Merry Christmas’ around me. Just keep it to happy December or we’ll nuke you. Furthermore, I expect a masseuse to arrive within 20 minutes to oil my ass up or this planet will have to do without Denmark.”

The South Korean government did its best to show bravery and resolve as tensions heated up.

“It is important to let North Korea know that such provocations will lead to a strong, firm, dire, and uncomfortable reaction,” said South Korean President Lee Myung-bak, “Chris Kringle and/or the large-hearted Grinch will make you regret your actions!”

“Merry Christmas, Kim,” added Lee Myung-bak, who quickly ducked under his podium and wet himself.

The United States response to the threats of North Korea was delivered carefully by Secretary of State Hilary Clinton.

“Calm down, Kim,” said Clinton, “We don’t let people say ‘Merry Christmas’ here, either. It makes those of us who celebrate The Solstice of the Unholy Bitch uncomfortable. Just go home, eat some freaking kimchee and chill the f**k out.”

Kim Jong-Il continued his strong rhetoric.

“I will totally shoot something or blow something up or nuke something,” said Kim Jong-Il, “I’m serious. Turn off those stupid blinky lights before I go nuclear. Bing Crosby and David Bowie will be my first target when I declare war on Christmas!”

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