The Endive 2010 Election Guide

Posted on Tue 11/02/2010 by

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From The Endive The News Leader of the Known Universe

President Obama hopes that voters will back Democratic candidates on Tuesday so he can continue to push Americans into a deep enough state of poverty that they will actually want to take the few menial jobs he has created.

Republicans, on the other hand, hope to capitalize on public dissatisfaction with the current Democratic majority in order to gum the works up and send Barack Obama skidding out of office. A Republican majority is anticipated in the House of Representatives. The Endive looks at key Senate races and provides analysis:

NEVADA: Harry Reid has done his best to characterize his opponent as crazy. Statements got more and more biting in his last-minute push.

“Sharron Angle is bats**t crazy,” said Reid, “I can’t confirm it, but I’m pretty sure I saw her running around yesterday wearing a swim cap, screaming ‘Use me, I’m ribbed for her pleasure!’ Is that what you want in the Senate?”

Angle ignored the name-calling for the most part, but gave insight to her strategy.

“Remember that scene in the original Clash of the Titans where Medusa’s head gets cut off and she feels around for it for a while before stumbling to the ground and bleeding toxic sludge? That’s what I want to see the Democrats in the Senate do when I knock off Harry Reid.”

COLORADO: Dissatisfaction with the President has propelled Republican Ken Buck into the lead against incumbent Democrat Michael Bennet.

“This is really about the issues,” said Buck, “Let’s not resort to associating my opponent with Barack Obama for a cheap victory. Let’s all just turn out tomorrow and vote for Ken Buck instead of Michael Hussein Bennet.”

Bennet seemed overcome by paranoia in the closing moments of the campaign.

“We can still win this, just keep Barack the hell away,” said Bennet, “Don’t even say his name. Nobody mention Barack Obama! Oh crap, I just did it.”

ILLINOIS: The President’s former Senate seat in Illinois is in danger of going Republican as Mark Kirk continues to gain momentum. Democratic candidate Alexi Giannoulias has also had to deal with a Green Party candidate stealing votes from him.

“I am a maypole!” said Green Party candidate LeAlan Jones as he spun around wildly, “Wooooooo! Gimme another licky toad! Hahahahaha, funny picture of Liam Neeson!”

Kirk urged people to think about the future.

“I must get elected,” said Kirk, “If I am not elected, it will damage the time continuum and James Tiberius Kirk may never be born. If Jim Kirk isn’t born, the people of Amargosa III are doomed.”

Giannoulias is one of few Democrats hoping for help from the President.

“Barack, don’t forget our promise,” said Giannoulias, “You bring me the votes or the city goes up in flames, right? I need help here, Barack.”

WASHINGTON: Republican Dino Rossi is gaining in the polls, providing an unexpected challenge to incumbent Patty Murray.

“If a Republican wins the state that has the highest per capita concentration of Vegan restaurants, steaks are on me,” said Rossi.

“If a Republican wins the state that has the highest per capita concentration of Vegan restaurants, I will club a baby seal to death with my stiletto heels,” said Murray.

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