Cocooned, Fluidless Body of Mezvinsky Found in Honeymoon Suite

Posted on Tue 08/03/2010 by


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Marc Mezvinsky CocoonedThe body of Marc Mezvinsky, newlywed husband of Chelsea Clinton, was found wrapped in a giant cocoon and totally drained of fluids this morning by hotel cleaning staff in upstate New York.

While Chelsea was unavailable for comment this morning, Hilary Clinton addressed the media, clearly beaming with pride.

“It was a little sloppy, but I am pleased to announce that my beautiful daughter Chelsea has consumed her first thrall,” said Clinton, “His nutrients will provide her with the molecular DNA strength to outlive all of you. We are grateful to the Mezvinsky family for so willingly offering up their son.”

Indeed Marc Mezvinsky’s parents admitted to willfully offering up their son as a sacrifice to the Clinton women.

“Marc’s distinctiveness will now be an integral part of the pheromones and viscous ooze that issues forth from Chelsea Clinton,” said Edward Mezvinsky, “I am honored to have offered up my only offspring, the runt of my not-quite-a-litter, to the Clinton females. They know what’s best for me. They’ll make sure everything’s okay, right? Everything’s going to be just fine. Just fine.”

Hilary Clinton also addressed reporters who were looking for clarification about the status of her husband, Bill. If the Clinton women are black widow-like demonic consumers of human fluids, why was Bill not devoured?

“Some of you might be wondering about my husband, Bill,” said Hilary, “True, I have not devoured him. I have had my way with many other victims over the years, including Vince Foster, Ted Kennedy, Don Knotts and Tiny Tim, but Bill’s bodily fluids lacked sufficient nutrients to provide me with more than two to three years of additional youth, and he gave me the clap.”

A smiling Bill Clinton looked on with pride.

“Yes I did,” said Bill Clinton, “I gave her the clap. Go on, tell ‘em, Hilary.”

The Secretary of State went on to explain that she allowed the former President to live because of his ties to the White House and his ability to lure young virgin women to her lair.

“The urine of young virgin women is beneficial to us,” said Hilary, “It allows us to maintain blond hair without dye and it, um, well it keeps our species regular.”

President Obama, who was not invited to the wedding, sent along his congratulations and well-wishes.

“Congratulations, and what I mean by that is that you should be congratulated,” said Obama, “Even though I wasn’t invited to the wedding. I’m still proud of both families. I saw the pictures and the wedding was beautiful. The only thing that could have made it more beautiful was me, and my nipples. But I understand completely. If Chelsea had seen my nipples in person, she would have left Marc and tried to devour me instead. As much as I’d love to be Chelsea’s thrall, the world needs me and Michelle would get pissed.”

Hilary Clinton indicated that it was too early for Chelsea to begin identifying her next sacrifice, but that she had some interest in Spencer Pratt now that he was “on the market.”

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