Jersey City Pizza Is Da Bomb!

Posted on Sun 05/23/2010 by

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Satire by  Shawn Goodwin

Remember when swampland, landfills, and mob activity were the biggest problems facing North Jersey? Those days are gone forever. Jersey City, New Jersey is not what most people would consider a hotbed of terrorism, but that is exactly what it faced on Monday, when some Garden State vegetable planted a bomb inside a pizza shop. What kind of person gets that upset after someone puts anchovies on a pizza pie? They’re fish and they’re loaded with protein!

The bomb included a gas can and a detonator, and according to the Jersey City Police Department, it had the potential to wipe out a couple of city blocks. Now normally, citizens would applaud such “urban renewal,” especially in a place like Jersey City. The town boasts more abandoned buildings than a Florida rest home during the early bird special. But while some housecleaning is definitely in order there, the locals would prefer it be done in the traditional manner – and without risk to civilians.

The incident could have become a major catastrophe. Thankfully, local law enforcement and fire personnel discovered the device inside the building, and safely defused it.

“Police in Jersey City have foiled what they’re saying was a bomb plot that could have destroyed part of the city’s Heights section. Deputy Police Chief Peter Nalbach says the primitive bomb, consisting of a gas can with a wire attached to it, was found inside a vacant pizzeria on the ground floor of a three-story building Monday.

Nalbach says police are focusing on a man who once rented the pizzeria and may have had a legal dispute with the building’s owner. Police and fire units had responded to the building for a report of a gas leak and found the would-be bomb set to go off if the front door was opened.”

See, right there is the initial problem with this plot. Any fruitcake worth his straightjacket would have the bomb go off after someone mentioned one of these verbal triggers: “Yo,” “Prosciutto,” and “Hey, I’m walking here!” The chances of detonation in a business so close to New York City are exactly 100 percent.

Instead, this rocket scientist decided to booby trap the front door, so the gas leak call was the saving grace in this instance. Most gas lines and meters are in the rear of the property, so upon arrival, first responders would immediately secure that area first. The officers probably would not have even seen the device if they didn’t enter the store to help themselves to handfuls of shredded mozzarella and a glass of Mr. Pibb.

The good news is that the Obama administration quickly responded to the emergency, especially when they realized it was liberal-heavy Jersey City and not conservative-infested Nashville, Tennessee. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced the president’s intentions on Monday afternoon. The three-fold plan includes the following:

First, the president eliminated Jersey City from his “date night” list. The last thing he needs is to have his romantic interlude interrupted with flashing lights and sirens, when the soulful sounds of Barry White are more appropriate. Besides, the lights and sirens are only used in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Second, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi suggested legislative steps to prevent similar incidents. If her bill passes, it will be illegal to own or possess a gas can. When questioned how people would safely transport their fuel to and from the local Texaco, Pelosi replied, “They can have their manservant do it, like I do.”

Finally, the president ordered Attorney General Eric Holder to prosecute the gas company for enabling terrorism. The attorney general issued a statement condemning the distribution of gas to the suspect, and then admitted he had not yet read the police report. Similarly, President Obama said that while he does not know all the facts of the case, he can safely say that “the gas companies acted stupidly.”

Despite the frivolity above, this incident is no laughing matter. Imagine the devastation that would have occurred if someone opened that door. The resulting explosion would have taken out the entire pizzeria, the surrounding buildings, and countless numbers of people. Of course, it wouldn’t have been the first official case of incapacitation by pizza gas.

This situation does, however, emphasize the fact that every jurisdiction in America – no matter what the size – is a potential terror target. Federal, state, and local police departments need to be mindful of that fact, and prepare themselves accordingly. Even though the September 11th attacks were committed nine years ago, this country needs to remain ever vigilant. Today, it’s a pizza shop. Tomorrow it could be an elementary school.

FamilySecurityMatters.org’s official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly.

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