2010: A Space Oddity

Posted on Sat 01/02/2010 by

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Satire by  Shawn Goodwin

Well, a new year is upon us, and that usually means big changes are coming for a lot of Americans.  Thankfully, these changes are not of the “HopeyChange tax you back to the Stone Age” variety, but changes along the lines of self-improvement. New Year’s resolutions are all the rage now, and will continue to be until people give up on them. On average, that takes less time than it does for Whoopi Goldberg to say something racist. Until then, though, people will be working hard to make their lives a little better.

Now believe it or not, famous people can benefit from some personal improvements as well. Politicians, actors, and infomercial spokesmen are working around the clock to lose a few pounds, read a few books, and generally be less obnoxious. It’s a daunting task, but famous people can do anything. Just ask them. A lot of the country’s most well-known figures have already announced their resolutions for the new decade, and their plans may surprise you.

When it comes to the rich and famous, few people can top the president of the United States. Well okay, Bill Gates can top the POTUS’ bank account, but probably not his prestige. After an up and down 2009, President Obama is looking to make a few changes in 2010. Of course, the president wants to change everyone except himself, because how does one improve upon perfection? Sure there were a few less-than-stellar moments of Obama’s first year in office – crippling unemployment, plummeting poll numbers, and a deficit that could choke the Potomac River– but the POTUS chalked up those speed bumps to an unfriendly media. As far as he is concerned, his first year was a “good, solid B+” so his resolution is to stay the course this year. Much like Kevin Bacon in Animal House, Obama is happily telling the country to “Remain calm. All is well!”

Unlike the president’s view of the country, all is not well with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.  The Nevada senator has spent the bulk of 2009 ramming a highly unpopular health care bill down the voters’ throats. Now, while some folks could use a decent meal (read: Kate Moss), the rest of the citizens would rather have the freedom of choice. Reid’s popularity has been falling faster that Helen Thomas’ chins, and with a big re-election race coming up in November, the senator is preparing a drastic resolution for the New Year . . .

Harry Reid is going to go the entire year without telling a lie. That resolution should last all of 20 seconds.

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin had a fairly quiet 2009. She only managed to publish a national best-seller, lure heavy crowds to her speaking engagements, and almost single-handedly revitalize the conservative movement. As a bonus, she also shared the title of “Biggest Thorn in the Side of the Left” with former Vice-President Dick Cheney. Gov. Palin has some big plans for the New Year, and they all begin with her resolution. Sarah will announce her candidacy for the office of President of the United States. That should make some liberals’ heads explode.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has had a stormy December, what with all of those pesky oppressed citizens and their freedom marches. Nonplussed, Ahmadinejad ordered a clampdown on his people’s human rights, and called for mass arrests of the “instigators.” Liberty will not be an option on his watch, and to prove it, the president broadcast his resolution across the airwaves. If Iran becomes a democracy in 2010, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will eat a pound of bacon on state television.

After having his apartment torn apart by an unknown burglar, reality television star and all-around weird guy Jon Gosselin is looking to make a few changes in 2010. First, he wants his image to appear much less smarmy. Second, he wants to land an honest job that commands more respect than he receives now. Mr. Gosselin can achieve both of these goals with his new resolution  This year, Jon plans to become a used car salesman.

Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Fah-vre-vre has had a spectacular year on the gridiron, and he is looking to make 2010 even better. Normally, an octogenarian athlete who has changed jerseys more times than Elizabeth Taylor has been married would be content to simply exist, but Favre is an extraordinary athlete. Naturally, his immediate resolution would be to win the Super Bowl, but his second choice is more interesting: This year, Brett Favre will try to make it through an entire off-season without retiring and un-retiring. Yeah Brett, good luck with that.

And good luck with all of your resolutions, whatever they may be, and have a very happy and healthy 2010.

FamilySecurityMatters.org’s official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly.

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