Making A List And Checking It Twice

Posted on Sat 12/26/2009 by


Satire by  Shawn Goodwin

It’s Christmastime again, and people across the world are celebrating the holiday in their traditional way. Members of the Jewish faith are celebrating Hanukkah, African-Americans are celebrating Kwanzaa, and Roman Catholics are celebrating “the holidays,” because in America, Christmas is a dirty nine-letter word. For some reason we can call a former president “Hitler” and we can call Joy Behar “talented,” but we cannot wish people a Merry Christmas.

Luckily, jolly old Saint Nick cares not for politically-correct holiday greetings – or for Ms. Behar – and he delivered presents to the good little girls and boys. He also doled out some rather appropriate gifts to those who were not exactly on Santa’s “Nice” list this year. So, did everyone get what he deserved? Let’s take a look.

President Barack Obama’s Christmas came early this year; very early. Riding a tidal wave of post-inaugural popularity unmatched even by George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, the president went on to win the Nobel Peace Prize . . . while waging two wars. Santa was watching and shaking his head as Obama closed in upon his immensely unpopular Cap and Trade proposal. What could he get for the man who has everything? Simple. The first president to truly address global warming, er, climate change, received a lump of dirty coal in his stocking. Santa is not without a sense of irony.

Barack Obama was not the only world leader to receive some apropos gifts this year. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad really wanted the new My Little Pony Dude Ranch play set, but alas, his racist, anti-Semitic actions forever keep him on the Naughty List. The Pony would have to wait for another time because this year, Mahmoud is getting the “Complete Works of Johnny Mathis” on DVD.

Speaking of lunatics, Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez has been more imbalanced than usual recently. Christmas is the silly season for a lot of people, but Chávez makes Amy Winehouse look like Laura Bush. The man could open “Crazy Hugo’s Discount Appliances,” because his prices (and his policies) are INSANE! Mr. Claus has been monitoring Chávez’s downward spiral for some time now, and figured the best thing to stuff his communist stocking would be a charter membership into the Dennis Kucinich Fan Club. (Tin foil hat included.)

Quite a few American politicians got what was coming to them this season, as well. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi received a lifetime supply of rubber bands to keep her face from collapsing into itself. The poor gal is full of so much BOTOX that congressional pages regularly confuse her with a sculpture from the National Statuary Hall Collection. Sadly, most of those sculptures are more animated that Bella Pelosi.

House Majority Leader Harry Reid may be the most despised person in American politics right now. As such, Dingy Harry received an appropriate Christmas gift. Unfortunately, it cannot be opened until November, 2010. Sen. Reid will enjoy the gift that keeps on giving (to his constituents): A landslide re-election loss. Thanks for all of the grief and heartache, Harry. Santa will remember your treachery long after you embark upon your retirement.

The twisted sisters from Maine, Sens. Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins, have languished in Pariahville for most of the year. These dictionary definitions of RINO have frustrated Republicans at every turn while siding with the Democrats on almost every issue. Being a true fiscal conservative, Santa has no time for wishy-washy spendaholics, so the senators will be receiving a chastity belt for their pocketbooks.

The mainstream media has taken a lot of flak recently, and the jolly old fat man has taken notice. Even local publications such as the North Pole Observer ran investigative reports on Santa’s alleged elf labor law violations and the carbon emissions of his reindeer. Mr. Claus still longs for the heady days of Walter Winchell, when journalists actually spent their time reporting the news rather than spinning it. Their collective gift is one that has been long overdue. This year, the mainstream media will receive a gift of their own making: irrelevancy.

Considering how much has changed in America since Santa’s previous flight, it will be a miracle if he recognizes the United States of America at all. With record unemployment, out-of-control spending, and policies that border on socialism, Santa wonders if this is the “change” the voters ever wanted. Probably not. So when flying over Crawford, Texas, Santa dropped his finest gift for former President George W. Bush. It was an oversized thank you card.

Hopefully, Saint Nick brought you everything you asked for this year. Happy holidays, everyone!’s official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly.

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