Senator Ben Nelson Takes Last Éclair

Posted on Tue 12/22/2009 by


From The News Leader of the Known Universe

Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson earned the ire of many of his senate colleagues today when he snatched the last éclair from the buffet at the Senate chamber this morning after having already consumed three éclairs and a donut hole.

“Ben Nelson has essentially flipped the bird to all of his constituents,” said Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell, “I know for certain that at least ten other senators had designs on that éclair before this little piggy went back to market and snatched the last one. I know I had to settle for one of those coconut crepes. They sucked.”

Nelson has apparently been on a tear since he opted to become the 60th vote for the Democrat’s health care bill, paving the way for a filibuster-proof majority.

“He just started snatching everything in sight,” said Orrin Hatch, “He smiled at me with éclair all over his teeth. Then, he started laughing, causing bits of it to get spit onto the floor. Those éclairs are too damn good to get spit on the floor by a first-class monkey-jank like Ben.”

According to his colleagues, Nelson has also taken to parking across two parking spaces at the same time, using all but one square of the senate chamber’s toilet paper (and not refilling it), and playing his favorite music on the senate’s loudspeakers – namely, Slim Whitman.

Nelson’s Democrat cohorts have been less critical of his recent boldness and his fondness for Senate éclairs.

“I’m damn proud of Ben,” said Harry Reid, “If he hadn’t acted quickly, maybe that éclair would still be sitting there, going to waste. You can’t assume that one of those Republicans would have eaten it. Besides, we were pretty clear to Ben – vote yes, and you get a new desk chair, an armored black Hummer, several crystal vases which may or may not contain unmarked $100 dollar bills, a mistress in Venezuela, and an unlimited amount of éclairs. I can only assume that those Republicans must have ignorantly been unaware of the éclair clause.”

Reid indicated that he was in the process of correcting the éclair situation.

“I understand the anger on the part of senate Republicans,” said Reid, “That’s why we’re going to use our newfound momentum and our filibuster-proof majority to pass legislation barring Republicans from all future éclair access. That ought to clear things up. They can stick to the coconut crepes. They’re good enough.”

Reid added that appeals or claims for éclairs from Republicans would heard by a “Crepe Panel.”

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