El Presidente Obama Es En Fuego

Posted on Sun 04/26/2009 by

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Satire by Shawn Goodwin.

Yes, President Barack Obama is on fire, especially after his highly successful – in his words, anyway – appearance at last week’s Summit of the Americas in Port of Spain, Trinidad. The summit gave Obama the chance to meet and greet several Central and South American leaders, most of whom would like to see him, his policies, and his country fail. Obama’s delegation expressed excitement and “leg tingles” before the meetings, primarily because there would be an open bar. So apparently, the president has no qualms about meeting with people like Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez and Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega, but Rush Limbaugh is an “enemy of the state.” Interesting.

The summit, according to its website, was created to “bring together the Heads of State and Government of the Western Hemisphere to discuss common concerns, seek solutions and develop a shared vision for their future development of the region, be it economic, social or political in nature.” Oh yeah, that will work. And afterward, the leaders can sit around a campfire, roast some marshmallows, and accept each other as “friends” on their Facebook pages.

While most media outlets were barred from entering the actual discussions, insider sources leaked the itinerary and some of the more interesting details. Some of the items on the agenda were quite surprising, since it does not appear that this was strictly a working vacation. To wit:

0800 – Check-in and registration. The president and 500 of his most trusted advisors arrived fashionably late to the proceedings. Obama, dressed to the nines with an Armani suit, Gucci luggage, sporting an oversized sombrero, addressed the media in the hotel lobby. “Mexico is one of our most important states, and it is my intention to funnel adequate stimulus funds here as soon as possible.” Shortly thereafter, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs had to inform the president that despite the steady stream of illegals flowing into America, Mexico was not one of Obama’s infamous “57 states.”

1100 – Brunch buffet and bull session. Nothing says, “I’m sorry for American imperialism and heavy-handedness” more than a full omelet bar. The president paid for the continental breakfast/hemispherical brunch with some of his “community organizing petty cash,” which, of course, was laundered more thoroughly than Mike Rowe’s jeans after a Dirty Jobs episode. His Latin American compadres were extremely pleased at President Gringo’s generosity, and even ailing Cuban leader Fidel Castro summoned enough energy to get up and walk over for seconds.

In between heaping helpings of caviar enchiladas and lobster croquets, President Obama worked the room, shaking hands and apologizing to everyone from Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez to the hotel’s concierge. “America has sinned against you,” the president explained, “And I am here to make it all better . . . by giving every person in this room a $20 bill!” Unfortunately, since the start of the current economic meltdown, the American dollar is about as useless as Michael Moore’s gym membership. As a result, Obama’s crazy cash giveaway made for some very unhappy people.

1400 – Discussion and Dialogue: Know Thy Enemy – It is the United States. Ironically enough, this discussion was hosted and moderated by President Obama himself. He, along with his co-moderators William Ayers and Rev. Jeremiah Wright, detailed more than 200 years of America’s “indiscretions and lawlessness.” Obama apologized for the Panama Canal fiasco and for President Theodore Roosevelt’s liberation of Panama from Colombia. “Had Roosevelt not sent American naval forces to Panama in 1903,” Obama stated, “many of you would still be subservient to your Colombian brothers. For that, I apologize.”

Ayers and Wright even went so far as to distribute tomatoes and vegetables to the summit’s leaders, so they could hurl them at the slideshow screen when “evil Americans” appeared. The presentation received high critical acclaim.

2000 – Post-summit salsa dancing and karaoke. What Latin American leadership conference would be complete without some lively nightlife? After hours upon hours of meetings, negotiations, and laughing at the expense of the uninvited Canadians, these political movers and shakers decided to move and shake their tail feathers at the hotel watering hole.

Cigar smoking and tequila shots, courtesy of the Cuban delegation, soon followed the elegant dinner. By the end of the evening, a tipsy President Obama reportedly told Argentina’s Cristina Fernández de Kirchner that she was muy caliente (very hot), agreed to get matching BFF (best friend forever) tattoos with Bolivian President Evo Morales, and sported a “Vote for Pedro” t-shirt while doing the limbo with Raul Castro.

1100 (Sunday) – Check out. Sources from the hotel confirmed that both Raul Castro and Hugo Chávez stole bath towels, bed sheets, and even the televisions! It was not until they arrived in their home countries that they realized the free HBO did not travel with the sets.

After the conclusion of the summit, President Obama addressed the American media. “All in all, I think we opened new doors to diplomacy, and learned a lot about each other,” he began. “I believe that by working together, we can solve our problems in a calm and rational manner. Of course, I would highly recommend similar summits on a monthly basis, starting in May. I hear Bermuda is wonderful this time of year.”

FamilySecurityMatters.org’s official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly.

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