Hi! My Name’s Hillary

Posted on Mon 02/16/2009 by



Satire by Shawn Goodwin

My fellow Americans, it is with great pleasure that I am able to speak with you today. I am truly honored to be serving as your Pres.. – darn it, your Secretary of State. Please excuse me for one moment.

Bill? Bill? Is that you giggling back there? I am trying to address the nation, and it would be nice if I could do it without your constant interruptions! Idiot.

I am sorry, where were we? Oh yes, our intimate conversation. It is truly an honor to be serving as your Secretary of State and I am humbled that President Obama decided to grace me with this position. I believe that I can do wonderful things as the first female Secretary of State . . . Darn, the third female Secretary of State. My work is cut out for me, and I plan to complete it to the best of my ability. Now, some people have asked me if I felt slighted that Joe “Corky” Biden was the president’s first choice.
The answer to that question is not at all. Although if Biden was given the SecState gig, it stands to reckon that I would have been given the vice-presidential seat. If that happened, I would only be one step away from the presidency, instead of four steps away. For crying out loud, my line of succession goes through Biden, that shrew Nancy Pelosi, and that dust in a suit, Harry ‘Stinking’ Reid!

And don’t think for one minute that my “husband” doesn’t bait me with that little wisdom nugget every chance he gets. Heck, the man actually purchased “POTUS” and “Hers” monogrammed towels! That little creep just relished the fact that I was confirmed as Secretary of State because now I will be sent off gallivanting around to globe while he makes the moves on our housekeeper and dog walker. Sure, he gets to have his fun. What do I get? I get a ceremonial headdress that once belonged to Australia’s aboriginal settlers. Hooray. But, I digress.

As Secretary of State, it is my job to mediate disputes, maintain good relations with our neighbors, and network myself into either a few high-priced speaking engagements or an arranged marriage to a Middle Eastern sultan. That would be easier said than done, because there are so many knuckleheads in the world that are Hell-bent on making life miserable for the United States. These people are really killing my post-confirmation buzz.

For example, do you remember Kim Jong Il? Like Generalissimo Francisco Franco, I thought Kim was still dead. Apparently, his status has been upgraded to “very much alive.” Lucky us. This week, the North Korean government stated that it was ending relations with South Korea and that the two countries were close to war. Fantastic. I need this like I need an intern in Bill’s home office! Now, my first trip abroad is scheduled for the Korean peninsula, instead of sunny Acapulco. Hey, don’t scoff; Acapulco is a vital and necessary ally in the War on Sunburn, and I cannot possibly meet with the Russians is I look pastier than Putin.

My sojourn to the Orient is set to begin next week, and I am anxious to meet with representatives of the Japanese, Chinese, Russian, and Korean governments. It is my firm intention to reaffirm our commitment to our allies in the region. It is also my intention to score some free Asian swag. Do you have any idea how expensive Sake is in the States? I cannot afford that on a diplomat’s salary. Of course, since I am permitted to breeze through Customs, the entire transaction is akin to buying the rice wine at the Duty Free Shop. It’s win freakin’ win, baby!

Certainly, my first priority is to facilitate stability in this troubled region. I know my place, and despite what Bill claims, it is not “in the kitchen.” This is first and foremost a business trip, and I will treat this business as seriously as I treated my, ugh, unsuccessful presidential campaign. I still cannot believe that I lost to a man who has less political experience than Al Franken. Hope, Change, give me a break!

Please forgive that little detour, ladies and gentlemen. I can assure you that I will remain on task in these endeavors. Nothing is more important to me than continuing the long-standing tradition of successful American diplomacy, and I certainly wish to earn your trust, respect, and admiration.

After all, the last thing I would want is to see President Obama embarrassed on a world stage. That would not be good. That would not be good at all. Giggle.

FamilySecurityMatters.org’s official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly.