Obama Sweeps Oscars, SAG Awards, Golden Globes

Posted on Wed 01/28/2009 by

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obamaoscarsized2In an unprecedented night of Hollywood history, Barack Obama swept all the awards in every category for the Oscars, the SAG Awards and the Golden Globes. The feat was impressive considering in order for it to happen, the Oscars had to be awarded early and the Golden Globes had to be redone completely.

Obama picked up the award for Best Actor for his performance in ‘The 2008 Presidential Campaign.’ Judges cited his ability to step into a role he had no experience at and look like he had done it all his life.

“You couldn’t tell that he had no clue about foreign policy or energy independence or tax reform. He just used his charisma to pull it off. I haven’t seen someone do it that well since Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson turned in a career performance in ‘The Rundown,'” said an academy judge who asked to remain anonymous.

Obama also picked up the award for Best Actress for his performance in ‘On the Beach in Hawaii.’

“When I saw those nipples, I knew he was going to win Best Actress,” said Meryl Streep, nominated for her performance as a nun in ‘Doubt,’ “My nipples just aren’t as pert as his. Plus, I was playing a nun. Is this what I’m reduced to? A nun? I didn’t even get to show my nipples. Hell, it didn’t even get cold enough for them to poke through my habit! Barack Obama, you are a superior actress!”

Winning the award for Best Supporting Actor was Barack Obama for his role in ‘The Downfall of Hillary Clinton.’ …  

“What a tragedy it was,” said fellow nominee Philip Seymour Hoffman, “He played it so cool while his co-star kept blowing her lines. He really carried that whole show. I bow to you, Barack Obama, you are the man!”

Winning the award for Best Supporting Actress was Barack Obama for his performance in ‘Escorting the Bushes to the Helicopter.’

“He is just such a wonderful – wait a minute, this makes no sense,” said Marisa Tomei, nominee for her performance as a stripper in The Wrestler, “I played a stripper. My nipples were hot, too. I want a f**king Oscar. Why can’t I have an Oscar?! I had everyone beat! I was way better than that Benjamin Butthole movie! Give me that statue!”

Obama also picked up Best Director and Best Picture for “Taking the Oath of Office, Part I and Part II.”

“It’s one thing to nail a part once,” said David Fincher, Director of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, “But Barack nailed the part twice, each time with his hand positioned just perfectly and the cameras right where he wanted them. He’s just a natural. I was captivated.”

Barack Obama also received all of the SAG Awards and Golden Globe awards when every actor pledged to give their trophies to the President.

“I had to pledge my award to President Obama,” said Sean Penn, “It’s a hell of a lot easier than pledging to drive a freakin’ Prius or bike to work. Screw that. Take the trophy instead.”

Obama also won Oscars for Best Makeup, Best Sound Mixing, Best Animated Short Film, and Best Costume Design.

“I have no f**king clue why he won those,” said an anonymous academy judge, “I think we might have been stoned. Best Sound Mixing? I really can’t explain it. Hell, who cares who’s mixing the sound anyway? Who’s a real sound mixer going to thank? The Sony 8000XRi Mixing Board?”

President Obama graciously accepted his awards and gave a short acceptance speech.

“I’d like to thank everyone who made this possible. Mom, Dad, The Dalai Lama, Sidney Poitier for blazing the trail, Denzel – love ya, Denzel, Miss Cleo, Frank Stallone, Beck, Ernie Hudson, Elvis, Harvey Firestein, Billy Barty, The Starland Vocal Band, Jaleel White, George Washington Carver, Nell Carter, Keith Richards, and Phil Lesh,” said President Obama, “These awards mean a lot to me, but these are really the people’s awards – because without all the people, I wouldn’t be in charge of all the people. Thank you, and please save the children and support the Wu Tang Clan!”

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