As some of you may know, Senator Nancy Pelosi is Scooter’s step-aunt, or something like that. What you don’t know is that Scooter has recently been advising her on the energy crisis, as he’s proved himself to be an expert in this field.
It’s no secret that while Aunt Nancy is a competent politician, she has the I.Q. of a swim fin, and in a debate involving facts and numbers and stuff, she’d be roadkill without Scooter’s help in formulating a scientific response to the Republicans’ demands for more domestic oil production. Under Scooter’s artful tutelage, Aunt Nancy gave an impassioned press conference this week where she skillfully countered the “drill here, drill now” arguments. Here’s some excerpts from the notes Scooter prepared for his aunt:
- “Drilling new oil wells takes too long. Give me two dollar gas this afternoon or give me nothing!” (Jab air with finger.)
- “If producing more oil domestically does bring down the price of gasoline, religious hillbilly conservatives would be tempted to keep their Escalades, thus dooming our planet. I WANT TO SAVE THE PLANET!” (Pound desk during last part, strike pose, look serious.)
- “More oil means more greasy fingerprints on everything. I ask you, don’t housewives have enough work to do?” (Hold hands out, palms up, look feminine.)
- “Finally, to all the Republicans whining about wanting more drilling, I say, Hey, drill this!” (Grab crotch, exit to wild applause.)
The good news is that the mainline media gave glowing coverage of Aunt Nancy’s strategic vision for America’s energy independence. The bad news is it didn’t last, as out of nowhere Barack Obama suddenly solved the whole energy crisis with his daring and brilliant “Add Air to Tires” strategy, effectively ending our country’s dependence on foreign oil and saving the economy. Impressive!
While she hasn’t publicly said anything, Scooter says Aunt Nancy is plenty PO’d at what she termed “the little lawn jockey’s grandstanding.” I guess I can’t blame her, she and Scooter worked for over an hour on that speech.
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