From The Endive - The News Leader of the Known Universe
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg addressed the public today while wearing a belt packed with explosives in order to “open the minds of New Yorkers to alternative fashions.”
The belt, created by world-renowned fashion designer Ahmed Wahiri, combined the finest Corinthian leather with C-4 explosives, a cell-phone-driven detonator and embroidered patches full of rusty nails and shrapnel.
“This lovely belt was a gift from my dear friend, Imam Fiesal Abdul Rauf,” said Bloomberg, “I told him that the hearts of New Yorkers are with Muslims and we all, deep down inside, are peaceful Muslims. He was so touched, he gave me this belt, a symbol of friendship.”
Negative reaction to the belt was swift and loud.
“I really don’t want him wearing that thing anywhere near me,” said talk radio celebrity Sean Hannity, “I believe it’s insensitive. It’s a little like wearing edible underwear to a wake. You just don’t do it. I’m not trying to be a racist here. I love belts. I wear one. I believe everyone has a right to wear a belt; just not one of those belts.”
Supporters of the new fashion trend were incredulous at the naysayers.
“It’s racism, plain and simple,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, “All Americans have the right to wear a belt that suits their ethnic and fashion needs. The Mayor’s belt is perfectly legal and it’s a symbol of peace between Muslims and the rest of the world. The only reason someone would tell Michael Bloomberg not to wear it is racism. Filthy, disgusting racism.”
Imam Rauf has done his best to evade interviews since giving the belt to Bloomberg, but he did release a short, printed statement.
“It’s, like, sooooo cute,” said the statement from Rauf, “It totally goes with Michael’s new taupe socks and aren’t the pouches full of napalm just ADORABLE?! Couldn’t you just die?! I mean really, couldn’t you just die?!”
Bloomberg balked at suggestions that the belt be relocated a few blocks down the street.
“I wanted him to just move the belt a few blocks down the street,” said Louis Alexanian, a New Yorker, “Because, you know, I was standing pretty close to him and I didn’t want to get blown up. If he’s a few blocks away, I feel like I’m pretty safe. I mean, the leather really is nice – I just didn’t want it embedded in my pelvis. He said no.”
“No,” said Bloomberg.
Extreme, right-leaning organizations and churches drew condemnation for what were, at times, over-the-top reactions to the new belt.
“If Michael Bloomberg can wear an explosive belt, I don’t see what’s wrong with us promoting ‘Take a S**t in Mecca Day,’” said Drew Michaels, Pastor of the Mother of Public Opinion Church in South Carolina, “But nooooo… Somebody had to get all sensitive and now MSNBC is running a story about how our 400-foot cross violates zoning and FAA regulations. Well, screw ya’ll.”
Bloomberg’s speech abruptly ended when the room cleared after he wondered aloud, “What does this button do?”
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Posted on 08/28/2010 by papundits
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