Obama: Berlin Wall Was Ancient Druid Calendar
Posted by papundits on 11/10/2009
From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe
In a speech to Germans today, President Barack Obama expressed his theory that the mysterious Berlin Wall was actually a calendar used by the ancient druids.
“I think it’s obvious, by that, I mean, plain and simple,” said Obama, “By the way those big crazy stones were placed, that the druids used the Berlin Wall as a way to tell what year it was. I think they also did some sacrifices there, and would occasionally gather to play Bingo and attend to Shriner-like functions.”
Obama credits his extensive knowledge of ancient history and the Berlin Wall to multiple meetings with Jimmy Carter and Mikhael Gorbachev.
“Furthermore,” said Obama, “The Berlin Wall fell at the hands of George Washington, and his oft-quoted confession to his father – ‘I cannot tell a lie, Mr. Gorbachev, I tore down that wall.’”
Thousands of Germans in attendance, though perplexed by the President’s assertions, cheered wildly thanks to Obama’s masterful tone and cadence.
“What a great speaker he is,” said German citizen Helmut Ochs, “I remember when Kennedy came here. This guy makes John F. Kennedy look like Nipsy Russell.”
Kennedy is most famous among Germans for inadvertently referring to himself as a jelly doughnut when he misspoke an attempt to proclaim himself a “Berliner.” Kennedy’s gaff was all but forgotten today as President Obama continued to explain how the druids desperately awaited the destruction of the Berlin wall so that everyone could “drive through to the town of Humbolt in their Government-issued Pontiac Aztecs.”
Later, in a private chat with British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Obama was asked why he left out the role of Ronald Reagan in the destruction of the Berlin Wall.
“Ronald Reagan?” Replied Obama, “Oh yeah. He’s the guy who left all those freaking jelly beans in the White House.”
“By the way, Gordon,” added Obama, “Did you know that the druids of the Berlin Wall used to sacrifice live ferrets in order to appease the gaping mouth of a young Ethel Merman? Most people don’t know that about Ethel. She had a career before that guest spot on The Love Boat, you know.”
Obama then began to sing his own rendition of Merman’s “Everything’s Coming Up Roses” for Prime Minister Brown, who smiled and clapped along with what onlookers described as a ‘starry’ look in his eyes.
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