Taking The Bull Out Of Global Warming
Posted by papundits on 11/01/2009
Satire by Shawn Goodwin
Somebody call Al Gore, because the British found his crazy environmentalist uncle. Britain’s Lord Stern, the country’s climate czar, has some interesting solutions to the alleged global warming problem. Would he like folks to conserve electricity? Does he want people to by a hybrid vehicle? Will he ask people to huddle near Alec Baldwin to share the warmth of his smugness?
Well, not exactly. One could say that Lord Stern is going “whole hog” on the situation. In a recent interview, he suggested that considering a vegetarian diet would save the planet – although it would be a death sentence for vegetables. (Broccoli was unavailable for comment.) Stern’s plan is to declare war on the animal population and he expects people to terminate them with extreme prejudice, as long as they don’t use a backyard grill or mouth-watering barbecue sauce.
No, if Lord Stern has his way, Americans will be celebrating Independence Day with tofu burgers and soy dogs:
People will need to consider turning vegetarian if the world is to conquer climate change, according to a leading authority on global warming. In an interview with The Times, Lord Stern of Brentford said: “Meat is a wasteful use of water and creates a lot of greenhouse gases. It puts enormous pressure on the world’s resources. A vegetarian diet is better.”
If Lord Stern is opposed to the “wasteful use of water,” why would he be pro-vegetables?
Unless the man follows the Bear Grylls method of survival eating, he would still need water to wash the veggies and/or boil them in water before eating. Had Stern been consistent, he would pull carrots out of the ground and start chomping on them á la Bugs Bunny. He would probably bathe only once a week and use an outhouse, too, but that’s another matter. Stern continues:
Direct emissions of methane from cows and pigs is a significant source of greenhouse gases. Methane is 23 times more powerful than carbon dioxide as a global warming gas.
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Methane only seems 23 times more powerful than carbon dioxide when you are in close proximity of the gas producer. No wonder Stern wants to rid the earth of the bovine community. Anyone who has ever been to a farm knows that cattle and pigs smell like Sean Penn after a week in Cuba! Of course, like Mr. Penn and other liberals, Lord Stern is more of a “do as I say, not as I do” kind of meat Nazi:
Lord Stern, who said that he was not a strict vegetarian himself, was speaking on the eve of an all-parliamentary debate on climate change.
Eureka! Call off the motive search; a prime candidate just entered the building. Lord Stern wants everyone else to become strict vegetarians so he can corner the market on delicious meat products. Imagine the power one man would wield if he hoarded every piece of steak, pork chops, and succulent smoked ham on Earth? Chubby people everywhere would cater to Stern’s every whim, hot dog lovers would meet his every need, and female bacon aficionados would fulfill his every desire. All hail the bacon god!
Okay, perhaps Lord Stern’s motives are not so diabolical, but they are just as ridiculous. The shunning of meat products would have far-reaching implications that have little bearing on climate change. A conversion to a vegetarian lifestyle would force many meat packing plants to close, sending millions of people to the unemployment lines. Sure, global warming may get a slight reprieve, but Mother Nature may not appreciate it when citizens are forced to burn their furniture for heat.
The closures would also result in an increase of the animal population, which would overwhelm animal control activist Bob Barker’s already busy public service announcement schedule. A man of his advanced age could never juggle all of the extra responsibility, so his work ethic would be severely curtailed. Instead of politely telling folks to “Have your pets spayed or neutered,” a beleaguered Barker would simply shout, “Gosh, just run them down with your car already!”
The fact of the matter is that while Lord Stern’s solution is certainly over the top, the issue of glo-bull warming and climate change is still up for debate. Despite what Al Gore says, this is not an exact science, especially when the Colorado Rockies battled through a snowstorm during the MLB playoffs. Heck, any time Hillary Clinton appears in Miami Beach, an ice storm follows. She IS the counter-argument to global warming!
The problem with Lord Stern’s stance is that once this ball starts rolling, where does it end? If the methane from meat producing animals is causing global warming, wouldn’t gases from other mammals be a cause as well? Today, Lord Stern wants to eliminate pigs and cattle. Tomorrow, it may be horses, sheep, deer, and rabbits. Sooner or later, Stern will be coming after humans.
And then the world will be truly vegetarian, since plants will be the only life left.
FamilySecurityMatters.org’s official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly.
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