By Pam Meister
As I struggle to bring decent healthcare to the undeserving masses, there has been some confusion regarding what this is really all about. Let me be perfectly clear: this is not about me.
Bwahahaha…sorry Diary, but it’s hard enough to keep a straight face while reading that off of TelePrompter2 – but writing here in the privacy of the Oval Office, it’s impossible. And here’s a hint: whenever I say “let me be perfectly clear,” you know I’m about to tell a whopper. Of course it’s all about me – after all, I’m the president! I’m still not quite sure how it happened in this racist country of ours. Just look at what happened to Henry Gates with that white policeman. I have to admit, I was surprised at the controversy surrounding my remarks about the stupidity of the Cambridge police department, considering how much people usually love what I have to say. Looking back, I should have calibrated my words differently, but you know what they say: you can take the community organizer out of ACORN, but you can’t take ACORN out of the community organizer. I’m in my element when I’m criticizing typical white people. And I don’t need all the facts. I’m the president.
However, my poll numbers are falling and we can’t have that. Rahm has already threatened to send a dead fish to Rasmussen. So rather than actually apologize, I’ve invited Crowley and Gates over for a beer. Michelle said it was okay as long as I have the furniture sprayed afterward. Consider it a run-up to the tea party I’m planning with Ahmadinejad.
Back to healthcare. Socialized medicine isn’t about healthcare, it’s about control. I’m a Marxist – control to me is like water to a dehydrated man in the desert. I know that Americans are slow to accept anything that remotely smacks of socialism – some nonsense about freedom and liberty keeps them from falling in line – so by outlining it as a right rather than what government must do on your behalf (something in which I firmly believe, BTW), it’ll be easier to reel in more suckers who would rather get something for what they think is nothing. Americans have had it way too good for way too long. The New York Post had a pretty accurate description of the tax hikes that New Yorkers can expect, and those hikes will spread across the nation like wildfire. Plus, I have my obligations to meet with the UN’s plan for a one-world government paid for by global taxes.
Did I tell you how excited I am for my upcoming August vacation? I’ll be hobnobbing with fellow libs at Martha’s Vineyard, playing golf and shooting hoops at a home that rents for close to $50k a week. Bitter clingers are planning “staycations” this year, but not the president! (Besides, how many other people can say they’ve earned so much money writing books about themselves, even though they haven’t really done anything to write about?) I remember seeing photos of Bush clearing brush on his Texas ranch. You call that a vacation? How many people wished they were doing that? That’s hard work, something I try to avoid. Heck, why do you think I travel so much and make so many speeches? Working is for suckers. That’s what Rahm and David are for.
Nope; spending oodles of money in Martha’s Vineyard, next door to the millionaires who will be paying the millionaire’s surtax to pay for “free” healthcare if I get my way, is just what the doctor ordered.
You know Diary, rather than have my minions call me President Obama, I think I’ll have them call me President Obeyme. Has a nice ring to it.
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