GM Emerges From Bankruptcy, Ready To Make Toaster Ovens

From The Endive The News Leader of the Known Universe

A leaner, meaner General Motors emerged from bankruptcy today, focused on building fuel efficient products that Americans can use without destroying the planet – toaster ovens.

The new Chevrolet Megawatt is expected to hit showroom floors in two weeks. It’s the first of many toaster ovens to be produced by Chevrolet, and the only toaster oven available in Polar Metallic Blue with an optional GPS.

Absent from GM’s line-up are recently sold brands Saab, Saturn, and Hummer, as well as the discontinued Pontiac. With all of its cuts and liquidation in light of Federal Government fuel environmental requirements, GM has successfully phased out motor vehicles in favor of its union-built line of toaster ovens.

“It was tough to come up with affordable vehicles that met the Obama administration’s efficiency guidelines,“ said GM Chairman Edward Whitacre, “But I think we did it and did it well. The President has convinced me. Nobody wants SUVs. Nobody wants muscle cars. They want small efficient vehicles. I can’t think of anything smaller or more efficient than the Chevrolet Megawatt toaster oven. Plus, it comes in Polar Metallic Blue. People like that color.”

The shift in focus by GM was welcomed by the Obama administration.

“We’re happy that GM has finally seen things our way,” said President Obama, “Leon Panetta had to waterboard Mr. Whitacre for a few hours in order to get him to understand just how evil SUVs and muscle cars are, but we’re confident we’ve whipped all the Suburban and Camaro love out of his small brain. I haven’t seen what he’s producing yet, but I bet it’ll be good stuff.”

Part of the agreement allows GM to benefit from a massive government purchase of fleet vehicles.

“We’re excited about the fleet vehicle order that the government finalized this morning,” said Whitacre, “They’ll be receiving 200,000 quality Chevrolet Megawatt Toaster Ovens to use as police vehicles, fire response vehicles, and congressional limousines. They’re going to love these things. With an MSRP of only $6,999, who wouldn’t?”

The White House confirmed the fleet vehicle deal with GM.

“I’ll still be cruising D.C. in my armored Hummer,” said President Obama, “But we expect everybody else in America to fall in line and switch to the new GM vehicles pronto. After all, we’re setting a positive example. French people drive little cars and they love ‘em.”

The United Auto Workers union expressed excitement over building GM’s revolutionary new Megawatt.

“People want union made products,” said Union executive Bert Broman, “I’m pleased with the deal we struck to build these toaster ovens. We get a guaranteed raise every four weeks and we each get to pick our own free toaster oven, with GPS. It’s my break time, so that’s all I’m willing to talk about.”

Meanwhile, Hummer’s new Chinese owner has been preparing to re-launch the brand to the American market.

“You come now, buy Hummer!” said Hummer CEO Xiang Yu, “We make Hummer big! Very big! Buy it and take up two parking space! Very big!”

Added Yu, “Very big!”

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