This Week On Sanford And Son
Posted by papundits on 07/05/2009
Satire by Shawn Goodwin
Remember when the biggest mistake a politician would make was when he or she committed the occasional verbal gaffe? Congress was outraged when they learned that George Washington’s line, “I cannot tell a lie,” was, in fact, a lie. Nowadays, our elected officials are spending their time accepting thousands of dollars in bribes, hiring strippers for a party at the mayor’s residence, and voting for legislation
without reading it first. In hindsight, spelling the word “potato” with an “e” on the end was pretty timid media fodder.
Recently however, many high-ranking public servants are tripping over themselves to see which one of them can be elected POTUS: President of the Unbelievably Stupid. The newest front-runner for that title is South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford. Sanford went missing on June 18th and no one knew his exact whereabouts, but members of his staff stated he was hiking the Appalachian Trail. The story made national headlines, while everyone from bounty hunters to Deputy Marshal Sam Gerard volunteered to conduct a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in the area.
These Herculean efforts proved futile, and some started to fear the worst. Was the governor injured? Was he the victim of foul play? Was he filming an episode of Dancing With The Stars? Just when things looked their worst, Sanford was finally found last Wednesday, June 24th, when he appeared at a press conference detailing his illicit, extramarital affair.
“The affair began in the last year and was discovered five months ago, Sanford said without elaborating. He added that he and his wife were trying to work through it.”
Sanford explained that by “working through it,” he really meant that he was dodging airborne frying pans and working through the night to avoid the scorn and disdain of his family, friends, and co-workers.
“The South Carolina governor had not been seen in public since June 18. When questioned, Sanford’s staff told media outlets Sanford was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. But Sanford was spotted Wednesday in Atlanta, Georgia’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport.
Sanford said he had been in Buenos Aires. He said it was his fault for ‘shrouding this larger trip.’”
Sanford was really in Buenos Aires, Argentina? Is he kidding? Weren’t any of the local gals good enough for you, governor? What a slap in the face to the lovely women of South Carolina. When it comes to dangerous liaisons, clearly Mark Sanford is doing it wrong. And to prove it, here are a few shining examples of how to commit political infidelity correctly, even though it act is totally and completely wrong. To wit:
The Alibi. If a politician is despicable enough to cheat on his wife, the last thing he should do is utilize a lame cover story. No one has hiked the Appalachian Trail since Daniel Boone, and while Sanford is an Eagle Scout, he is not exactly Bear Grylls. One look at him tells you that Sanford’s idea of “rugged” is taking a day off from shaving, or wearing “sans-a-belt” slacks. If the governor wanted to concoct a forgivable story, he would have told his staffers that he was traveling to Manhattan for dinner and a Broadway show, at taxpayer’s expense.
Location, Location, Location. Every politician knows that you never travel to the other woman’s base of operations – you fly the woman in to your location. Apparently, Gov. Sanford learned nothing from the vaunted presidency of John F. Kennedy. Jack would never be able to pick Marilyn Monroe’s apartment out of a lineup. Why? Because he was never dumb enough to go there!
Deny, deny, deny. Why did Bill Clinton come out smelling a rose after the Monica Lewinsky scandal? It’s because he denied the entire thing until the last possible moment. Sanford’s press conference should have been phrased like this: “I’m back. Thank you,” before walking off the stage. Sure, Republicans would have considered him a scoundrel, but he would have compiled a whole new base with Democrat voters.
Democrats love lying scoundrels, and they re-elect them time and time again. Harry Reid claimed the Iraq War was lost. Bam! Popularity surge. Nancy Pelosi said her Congress would be the most open and transparent ever. Pow! Landslide re-election. President Obama promised to allow five days of public comment before signing bills. He broke that promise nine days into his term. Bang! Skyrocketing poll numbers. Gov. Sanford should have realized that what’s good for the Democrat goose is good for the Republican gander.
Now, some politicians can parlay an extramarital affair into big poll numbers and million-dollar speaking engagements. Look at President Clinton. Americans are a forgiving people, and most will forgive Sanford for his tryst. However, most voters will not forgive Sanford’s disappearance – and the ludicrous excuse of hiking the Appalachian Trail – because so many other people were affected by the lie. And the majority of Americans despise liars – unless their names are Barack Obama or Nancy Pelosi.
The end result of these shenanigans is that Sanford’s trustworthiness has gone the way of the Dodo, his marriage is irreparably broken, and his political career is effectively over. It is a sad end to a promising career of public service.
FamilySecurityMatters.org’s official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly.
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