WHAT WOULD THANKSGIVING BE WITHOUT TURKEYS?
Posted by papundits on 12/01/2008
Satire by Shawn Goodwin
Well, another Thanksgiving has come and gone in this greatest country on earth, and America is none the worse for wear. Okay, everyone may be a little chunkier, but it’s not the end of the world – and those candied yams were out of this world! Now that the football games are over and the tryptophan has thrown Uncle Al into a short coma, it is as good a time as any to remember what you are thankful for.
Now before everyone says they are thankful for satellite television and the McDonald’s McRib sandwich, it should be noted that there are more deserving targets of appreciation. Whether it is your religious deity, your family, or your friends, every person has someone or something for which they are thankful. Still others are thankful for those in the news whose actions make us all feel better about ourselves. For instance:
If there were ever a turkey that did not deserve a Sarah Palin pardon, it is Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez. This knucklehead is tooting his foghorn this week because the Russian navy dropped anchor in his communist paradise. The two countries will participate in joint exercises in the Caribbean, which should make for must-see TV. Venezuela’s “navy” consists of a dozen shrimp boats, five canoes, and a wooden raft. The Russians are a bit more nautically savvy, but their technology lacks panache. Heck, their sonar system is nothing more than a glass held to the hull. “Look Comrades, I can hear the ocean!”
The American State Department does not appear to be concerned with this mutual admiration society. Nor should they be. If they had a dollar every time Hugo Chavez had one of his “bright ideas,” the dollar would actually be valuable again.
Does anything go better with turkey than mashed potatoes? How about a person with mashed potatoes for brains? Britney Spears, please pick up the white courtesy phone. In an upcoming interview with Rolling Stone magazine, Spears sulked that her new, supervised, train wreck of a life has left her feeling “old and boring.” Apparently, Ms. Spears prefers her exciting life of years past when she shaved her head, lost her children, and decided that undergarments were “for losers.”
While that path was beneficial for the paparazzi, it is not beneficial for a 26-year-old woman. Someone needs to start treating Spears like Grandma’s fine china: keep her sparkling clean, and only let her out on special occasions. Because like most mashed potato dishes, Britney Spears is best enjoyed in small doses.
Every Thanksgiving dinner requires some stuffing, so what better complement to this meal than the nation’s foremost stuffed shirt – and empty suit? President-elect Barack Obama is already in a festive holiday mood. Of course, Obama has been in a holiday mood since November 4th, when he shocked the world by winning the presidency. Since that fateful day, Obama and his Transition Team O’ Change – which is, ironically, comprised of many members of the Clinton administration – has been acting like every day is January 20th. Barack Obama won the presidency: It’s a Festivus miracle! The next leader of the free world is making statements from a pulpit marked “Office of the President-Elect,” discussing his policy decisions before he can even dictate policy, and hiring a band to play “Hail to the Chief” every time he walks into a room. It gets particularly annoying when he enters the commode.
Barack Obama is quickly becoming “that guy.” He is the guy on the block that has his tree decorated, his stockings hung, and his entire home lit up like a Roman candle a few weeks before Thanksgiving. Look Mr. President-elect, it is terrific that you won the election, but could you kindly stay backstage until the inauguration? America thanks you in advance.
After downing a giant turkey leg, who doesn’t enjoy a delightful slice of pumpkin pie? It is the traditional Thanksgiving desert. Speaking of pumpkins, Rosie O’Donnell’s enormous skull is back on television in the form of Rosie Live! The variety special is said to be family friendly, as long as viewers can forget that this woman constantly berates Catholicism and once compared American soldiers to terrorists. That’s okay, though, because Rosie booked Liza Minnelli! Let’s give thanks….especially for the fact that few Americans bothered to tune in.
The Pilgrims celebrated the first Thanksgiving nearly 400 years ago. They used the occasion to give thanks to God for their bountiful harvest. However, they also realized that there are many things in life that are tailor made for comedy. One cannot walk around with buckles on their hats without having a good sense of humor. Luckily, that tradition, along with the tradition of Thanksgiving, has stood the test of time.
FamilySecurityMatters.org’s official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly.
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