No Dinner Jacket Required

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

If New York City smelled more putrid than normal last week, please do not blame Mayor Michael Bloomberg. This one was not his fault. Last Tuesday, Iranian President/Certified Nutcase/Bronson Pinchot look-alike Mahmoud Ahmadinejad addressed the United Nations General Assembly to universal acclaim. Okay, the “universal acclaim” came from Iran’s state-sponsored news agency, Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez, and Susan Sarandon, but that’s not the point. These three don’t agree on anything, except maybe on their love of Bull Durham.

Unfortunately, they were all in agreement that President Bush is The Great Satan, and America is an imperialist country.

Sensing conservative blood in the water, Hollywood intellectual Matt Damon released a concurring statement that read, “America is The Great Stan.” Next time, Matt, you should probably proofread your pontifications before releasing them to the press.

Ahmadinejad came to New York with his tired old arguments and his nonsensical rants against the American imperialists, the vexing Zionists, and the judges of Dancing With The Stars. Apparently, the Iranian president is a huge fan of ousted comedian Jeffrey Ross, and sources claim that Ahmadinejad banned any mention of head judge Len Goodman in his presence. Once the president approached the podium, however, he was all business. Full Lunatic Mode was initiated, and Ahmadinejad unveiled a few wisdom nuggets:

“American empire in the world is reaching the end of its road, and its next rulers must limit their interference to their own borders,” Ahmadinejad said.

First of all, someone really needs to inform Mahmoud’s translator that he should have inserted a “The” at the front of that sentence.  My God, any third-grade English teacher would be shocked and appalled at the president’s atrocious grammar. Do they not have red pens in Iran? Secondly, did someone rewrite the definition of “empire?” At last check, America governed one country: America.  This country does not have colonies, and does not rule from afar. The fact that half of Mexico is inside our borders illegally does not mean that we “own” Mexico – although if we did, it would be a much better place to live, and people wouldn’t be running from it like it was Godzilla and they were Tokyo. Finally, the “end of the road” comment is a laugh riot. This is the United States of America, Mahmoud.  It is the home of Krispy Kreme, and any country that possesses such delicious doughnuts will live forever.

Luckily for those in attendance, Ahmadinejad was only hitting his stride. America is the Devil will only play with the rookie members of the UN General Assembly. If he wanted to put rear ends in the seats, he needed a hook, an eye-catcher. Never underestimate a homicidal madman. Everyone knows that the president’s playbook reads, “First employ the bluster, then release the lies.” From Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s point of view, it is not a lie if he believes it:

“A few bullying powers have sought to put hurdles in the way of the peaceful nuclear activities of the Iranian nation by exerting political and economic pressures against Iran,” he said.

Well, that is simply unacceptable.  How dare the United States, Great Britain, France, Germany and others try to hinder Iran’s access to a nuclear arsenal? It is a truly galling abuse of power by imperialist dictators. Iran desires nuclear capabilities, of course, but they are for non-threatening uses. In fact, Ahmadinejad explained what his country plans to do with their newly acquired power:

“Look,” Ahmadinejad began, “Iran is located in an arid climate. The season has done severe damage to our crops, and our citizens are in need of food. We plan on using nuclear power to grow enormous radioactive vegetables. Now, before you scoff, my country researched the plans by studying the leading source on the subject: The ‘Pass the Vegetables’ episode of Gilligan’s Island.”

Upon hearing this fabrication, Hollywood’s elite declared the story “rock solid.” Matt Damon agreed, and was overheard saying, “Matt Damon” to the mainstream media. But what of the alleged weapons plans? The Iranian president explained that away, as well:

“The world is a dangerous place, and Iran must be vigilant in its defense of the Motherland.  We must protect our way of life from attack by the West, Israel, and alien overlords.  I have seen Independence Day. I have seen Mars Attacks! And if there is one thing I learned from these films, it is this: the only way to stop an alien invasion is by unleashing nuclear weapons.  If the world wants to stand in our way, so be it.  When the human race is enslaved, don’t say we didn’t warn you.”

The slogan for the United Negro College Fund is “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”  Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a prime example of what happens when art imitates life.  Ahmadinejad is a psychopathic, delusional idiot. This would be comical if he was not an extremely dangerous man. The fact of the matter is that when and if his country procures a nuclear arsenal, Ahmadinejad would not think twice about eradicating Israel.

The worst part of all of this is that the United Nations would welcome him back as a guest speaker after he fulfills his promise.

FamilySecurityMatters.org’s official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly.

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