The 2008 Summer Games: Breaking Out the Fine China

The 2008 Summer Games: Breaking Out the Fine China

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

The 2008 Summer Olympic Games will be held in Beijing, China from August 8th through August 24th and already there is a whirlwind of controversy afoot. Apparently, many of the member nations are just now realizing that China treats human rights in much the same way as Lindsay Lohan does her liver.

This realization has resulted in a Chinese Fire Drill consisting of denials, threats, and all-around backpedaling from everyone involved. The Chinese foreign ministry states the Tibetan violence is an internal problem that has been contained, and then the ministry sends more troops to the province. Product sponsors have expressed concern over the crackdowns on freedom, and then state that they do not want to force their beliefs on the Chinese people. Human rights organizations are exposing China’s crackdown of the Tibetan cry for freedom, but instead of applying pressure to the PRC, they are appear to be more worried about the Darfur genocide.

Interestingly, Sudan President Omar al-Bashir recently quipped, “Sure, my country is embroiled in continuous violence and obvious genocide, but hey, at least we’re not China!”

While the international media is focusing its attention upon the Chinese rights violations, another despicable piece of chicanery has slipped through their fingers; namely, the camouflage of violations within the athletic events themselves. Here are a few recently exposed examples:

Lighting the Olympic Torch. The universal symbol of the Olympic Games, The Olympic Torch, is to be lit on March 28th in Olympia, Greece. While the Torch Relay and its route has been well publicized, China’s “modification” has not. Unbeknownst to the International Olympic Committee (IOC), when the torch crosses the Chinese border, it will be quickly and quietly extinguished, then relit with a bonfire of banned books.

50-Meter Dash to Unrestricted Internet Access. Most of the world’s websites can make the notorious claim that they have been “Banned in China.” The communist government is not high on the whole free speech fad, so Internet access is severely limited. The arrival of the Olympic Games has forced the Chicoms to do things they would normally avoid, like celebrate the “genius” of Jackie Chan. It has also forced them to grant the winner of the 50-meter dash unrestricted access to the Internet . . . for three minutes.

Eggshell Marathon. This is one of the few events where athletes are not the sole competitors. During the marathon, journalists carefully walk the fine line between accurate reporting and state mandated oversight. But watch your step, Johnny Typewriter; one wrong opinion can cost you the gold . . . and your exit visa.

Judo. The Tibetan “problem” has caused the Chinese government a lot of grief in recent weeks, and its constant media exposure is compounded with the ongoing Taiwanese freedom issue. China’s propaganda minister has found the solution: Olympic athletes will compete against the uppity Tibetan monks. The monks will be bused into the Olympic village, dressed as fellow competitors, and then paired off against some of the greatest Judo masters in the games. The Chinese will easily defeat the monks, and thus improving their chances of winning a medal, and the self-righteous Tibetan “troublemakers” will be brutally beaten in front of the world. Tibetan problem solved.

Pole Vault to Freedom. The Chinese secret police has detailed records of the athletes who have not toed the Party line. In a stunning moment of generosity, the Party will be adding those ungrateful men and women to the pole vault team with this promise: if they can successfully vault the apparatus, they will win their freedom. Unfortunately, the apparatus has been changed from the ten-foot pole to The Great Wall.

Swimming. Dissent needs to be eradicated from the minds of the Chinese citizens, and what better way to do that than with visual aids? In that vein, China’s swim team has created an innovative new swimsuit, guaranteed to make Party leaders smile. The new mandatory uniform can be fitted with camouflaged leg irons for those athletes who have been outspoken about their country’s human rights record. The best part of the plan is that the competitors will not realize the leg irons have been added until they hit the water. For the Politburo, the policy is win-win.

The 2008 Beijing Olympic Games is an opportunity for China to gain worldwide acceptance. Considering the country’s recent dalliances into censorship of the media, suppression of rights, and oppression of the weak, the Chicoms will need Ty Pennington to give them an Extreme Makeover before August.

# #

FamilySecurityMatters.org’s official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly.
read full author bio here

Read more excellent articles from Family Security Matters

Tagged: 2008 Summer Games, banned books, Beijing, China, Chinese citizens, Chinese Fire Drill, Darfur genocide, Extreme Makeover, Human Rights, Lindsay Lohan’s liver, Olympia Greece, Olympic Games, Olympic Torch, President Omar al-Bashir, Sudan, Taiwanese, The Great Wall, Tibetan monks, Tibetans, Ty Pennington, Unrestricted Internet Access.