It’s Al Gore’s Fault For Spitzer’s Downfall – The Untold Truth Revealed!

And Now, and Important Message from Eliot Spitzer

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

Hello, my name is Eliot Spitzer. You may remember me as the former governor of New York, although some sarcastic pundits have referred to me as “Mr. Groper.” Three is certainly not company, you jackals! Unfortunately, the law enforcement community now knows me as the infamous “Client 9.” I pleaded with the investigator to refer to me as Client 8, since that is my lucky number, but he wouldn’t have it. Now look at me.

Anyway, I am here today to discuss an important matter: global warming. Global warming is responsible for the erosion of millions of miles of coastline, thousands of deaths, and dozens of sun block overdoses every year. Have you seen how pasty the Olsen Twins have become? It truly breaks my heart. And as sad as I am to report the damage that global warming has inflicted on our earth mother, I am even more saddened to admit that it is responsible for my current “call-girl scandal.”

Surprised? You shouldn’t be. Please allow me to make my case, point by point.

First, “Kristen,” the call girl with whom I was involved, was always walking around in varying stages of undress, and that is how she snared me. Her wardrobe, or lack thereof, is directly correlated to the earth’s rising temperatures. Had there not been a hole in the ozone layer, I would have never succumbed to her wily charms. I mean, who looks seductive in a parka? No one. When a beautiful woman is walking around Manhattan in January wearing a tank top and a Hello Kitty mini, someone is going to take notice. I am ashamed to say that that someone was me.

Second, the mild winter has proven disastrous to the seedy hotel industry. When Kristen and I would meet inside our usual haunt for political discussion and café lattes, it was too warm for either. The next thing you know, we removed our jackets, pants, and shirts only to cool down, and began looking for something to do to pass the time. Always the gentleman, I suggested we read the Bible, but she had trouble with some of the big words. Bored, we instead chose to get to know each other in the “biblical sense.” Idle hands are the devil’s workshop, right?

Third, the sun’s awesome destructive power had blinded me to common sense. I am sure that if I had not spent my days shielding my eyes from its painful glare, I would have seen the trouble lurking ahead. Ironically, that is how I met Kristen in the first place. I was walking around outside Bill Clinton’s bachelor pad without my sunglasses, and I literally bumped into her. If it had been a cloudy, snow-filled day, none of this would ever have happened.

Similarly, the sun wreaks havoc on my bald pate. Take a look at this scalp. Is this the kind of hairline that should be exposed to the sun? Of course not. Truthfully, I also have a face that should not be exposed to the sun, but that’s neither here nor there. After a few hours outside, I became feverish and disoriented. My good moral judgment suffered as a result, and I made a few bad decisions; not the least of which was naming a blind lieutenant governor.

And finally, the melting of the polar ice caps is said to be responsible for the world’s oceans to rise to catastrophic levels. Those of us on the east coast are expected to be the hardest hit. Kristen originally hails from New Jersey, and currently lives in New York City. Both locations may eventually become death traps. Being an environmentally conscious chief executive, I thought it prudent to find this lost soul more suitable lodging. Thus, I arranged for her to come to Washington, D.C., and be put up in a safer residence. It was truly the gentlemanly thing to do. The alleged $4,300 spent on Kristen was simply a friendly loan for the moving truck charges and first and last month’s rent. She promised to may me back. Scout’s honor!

Global warming has ruined my reputation, my career, and my life. Thankfully, it has not yet ruined my marriage, since my lovely wife Silda stands here by my side. Although in all honesty, it is starting to feel a little warm in here. Are you okay, honey? Honey? She must be overcome with her feelings of love and devotion. Ladies and gentlemen, I am a very lucky man.

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FamilySecurityMatters.org’s official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly.
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Tagged: Al Gore, Bill Clinton, call-girl, Client 9, Eliot Spitzer, Global Warming, Kristen, ozone layer, Washington DC.